I'M IN LOVE WITH THE BEST GIRL IN THE WORLD! AND I'M HAPPILY MARRIED NOW

...the second second of which I'll hopefully get to say with her...within 3 years from now.

I'm so in love with Zernette Kaye Venturero Telebrico!!! She's truly the greatest thing that's ever happened to me!
She's stubborn. She's a pain in the ass sometimes. And she rarely confronts her fears.
But I wouldn't trade her for the world. Ever.
She's mine, and mine only.

She's my world. She's my one and only lover. :)

I've been going down a spiral. Ups and downs, left and right. All I wish for is a simple phone call to know you still care. Nights of loneliness and depression. I fucking hate you for that. Time left to question. Love exists? Take your shit with you because I'm tired of it. I don't wanna be here anymore. Oh..what my silent loneliness can do to me... Kill me ja~

I'm feeling quite empty today. I feel lifeless and goalless actually. Work wasn't exciting and I really don't give a damn about money anymore.
All I want is Nikeya. She's all I'd ever really want... but I don't think she knows me anymore. I'm no longer one of her priorities. She rarely pays attention to me and I question her love for me.
She's always in a hurry to get off the phone with me, and we hardly ever talk. I thought I'd be important to talk to you know? I'm her boyfriend.
I've been talking to Stefanie, and she tells me that Nikki isn't with another guy. She's just been running around a lot and people are keeping her busy. That's fine and dandy, but my god! Don't forget about me...
If I'm no longer that important in her life, maybe she no longer needs me. I don't know what Nikki wants anymore.

Here in Florida, Nikki had me. She wanted to be with me all the time. I was her only friend here. Now that she's home with lots of friends and family...I don't think she wants me anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what's going on. Nikeya doesn't answer her phone. I miss her soooo soooo much! I'm so alone down here. I don't even care about school anymore. I just want my baby back. I love her! I love her! I love her!
I just want to know what's going on. Is it hard to speak a few words to me? I feel like I have less time to talk with her now than when she was with Jusei.
She once told me that she doesn't know what she wants, but she knows that she wants to be with me. But she won't tell her parents that she loves me. She won't tell them all the good things I've done for her. She won't mention that I stopped her from committing suicide. She won't tell them how much I mean to her.
I love her..
I just hope she still loves me...

Goodbye~

My birthday was today! I'm the big 21 now! Yay! Alcohol for me! lol..nah.
Didn't do much today for the most part except watch anime. Just waited for my baby to come home from school and helped Gabe fix his car a bit. Went to the store for a bit and came home to find my baby preparing cake mix for my birthday cake ^_____^ awwwwwwwwwww!!! I love Nikeya so much! She means more to me than anything else!

I enjoyed the funny looking, but lovely vanilla cake she baked for me! Oh yeah..I should take a picture of it before its gone.
If anything bad came from my birthday..is not enough time with Nikki and..bubble guts. Anyways..one year down..more to go! Fin~ ^^

Well, good news I suppose, for me anyway. Nikeya is officially my girlfriend now.

Shit went down with her and Jusei. She told me..and pinky swore with me, that she'd get out of that relationship in 2 weeks. She said that on Monday, the 4th. Well..whadda ya know? Just three days later and she and I are now together..officially. And this time for good! She says she's done with him.

Anyway, she's gonna be out of a car soon and plus she wants to settle stuff in person with her family and friends,..and I'm coming along with her...so...here goes a trip to Michigan!!! My first road trip up north! Yay..tiring drive ^_____^ lol.
So yeah, Nikki will be under my care now. Of course I've got to be a lot stronger..and this will definitely make me a stronger man. I love her so much..and I'm glad we're finally together after 5 months.
Yep, off to Michigan on Saturday night right after work. Already told my mom the news. And another thing, I'm taking a 6 week leave off from school so...yeah. No school until October 30th! DAMN! lol

fin~

No one said this was gonna be easy. The sneaking around. It seems fun and exciting, but does nothing to solve the problem. The problem will still exist until she decides to face it. I don't think I can continue this anymore. This..helping. I'm emotionally and physically drained. Very much so. My heart is weakening and I feel I'm a slave to love. I'm slowly dying inside.

I don't know what else to do. I'm doing my best to save my best friend, the girl I love...from this trap she's in. She's trapped. I know it. She wants me to be patient in waiting for her. But patient for what? I can be patient, truly I can be, if I know she's doing her best to be with me..as in..being with me..not sneaking all the time. I love seeing her..that's what the sneaking around is for, but that's only a temporary fix. I was patient before..because she was seeing how her heart leads her. And it lead her back to me. Why am I losing patience now? Because she knows what she wants, she's just afraid to get it. There's no more seeing where her heart leads her, it's now all about confronting the situation.

I know she doesn't want to hurt the man she's with; he's been hurt many times. But it doesn't benefit anybody the way things are going. It's all just avoiding the truth. She doesn't have to tell people that she loves me, but she should let him know that she's not happy with him anymore. I know she's sooo scared. Scared to feel the pressure from everyone. Is the pressure enough yet? I know she still cares for him. But does she still love him? Is she keeping her promise? All I can do is trust her, but I'll never know.

I feel that if she truly cares for him, she'll let him go. I keep asking her if she doesn't have the courage to break up with him now, how will she have the courage to do so later? How will she have the courage to tell everyone she loves me, when she doesn't have the courage now? She says she will have it, but how? How? What is she waiting for? A fight? The fight of course, will come on its own accord, but will waiting for it make her a stronger person? I don't think so. Nature will run its course, but it won't make her a stronger person. If she wants things to end already, I told her to be herself. He already dislikes a lot of what she does. He keeps telling her to change because of what he wants, etc. I told her she can start doing stuff that can lead to the end of their relationship. And I asked about one and a half weeks after I told her, if she started stuff yet. Nope.

I know what it's like to feel stuck. I HATED that feeling! I completely HATED it! That's why I fought to break free from it. Maybe she'll continue this until she's tired of waiting and the want and need for me becomes stronger. Maybe its not strong enough yet. Maybe I'm spoiling her. Giving too much of myself to her already. I dunno. That's why I told her I feel like I'm pussy whipped. I want to see her! So I go. I guess I feel I'm putting more into this than she is.

Is the problem fixed yet? Nope. Maybe as her friend said, she might be using both of us. When she's unhappy, she wants me..because I'm dorky and fun. When she's fine or in some type of medical trouble, she'll put up with him; he's got the money to take care of her. But, that's a big diss to me. As if I can't take care of her. That hurts.

I hate it when she runs away. If she doesn't do anything soon...she'll keep running away. As my roommate said, "If she keeps this up, she'll get nowhere in life." The past 5 months of sneaking were fun, but this is reality. She should go after what she wants! That's why I give so much of myself to help her. I LOVE HER! GOD! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I don't wanna see her this way! I don't! It's not fun for anybody!

On top of helping her, I want to feel special. That's why I've gotten pessimistic at times lately. The way she's handling the situation makes me feel like I'm not worth the fight. I guess I'm worth the sneaking, but I'm not worth giving up what she has. I'm not worth the sacrifice. The sacrifice of giving up this lie.

The act of breaking one man's heart to be with another. His heart will be broken, no matter how she looks at it or when she does it..more or less. But once it's done, he can go on with his life. He'll be free to find his happiness wherever he finds it, instead of being stuck in a relationship of one-sided love. She says he doesn't deserve to be hurt like the first time..again. Does he deserve what's going on right now though? Of course not. But being strong enough to end things now, will benefit everyone in the long run. People will be unhappy for a bit, but everyone will be happier in the end.

It's aggrivating! Fucking aggrivating! Aggrivating to look at the situation. Aggrivating to talk about it. Aggrivating to face it. I know! I know! I know! I hate bringing it up all the time! I hate even having to hint about it! But its the truth! It's bothering me. That's why I'm confronting the situation, instead of hiding behind a smile.

It sounds like I'm being selfish by pressuring her to make things happen now. I don't mean to be. I'm doing it for everyone's sake...especially her's. I want her to be a strong woman. She can't be strong if she keeps running away. The problem will still exist. She can cover it with a blanket, paint it another color, mold it, push it away, but it'll still exist.

Waiting for things to fall apart may be best for everyone, but it won't make her stronger. That's my goal. For Nikeya to be stronger.

To end this entry, the reason why I'm being persistent is because I LOVE NIKEYA!!! That's why I haven't given up! She says she's disappointed in me for being impatient to wait, but I'm disappointed in her for not facing her problems. I understand that it takes time! I understand! I know! But as I said, just get things moving already. Please~

What should I do? I feel so confused and lost. And I feel so guilty. I can't believe Nikeya's mom actually called me. What's up with that? I heard my phone ring and I looked. The area code read 586. I thought hmm...it might be Stefanie. Then this happened:

Me: Hello?
Unknown: Is this Orlando?
Me: Uh...I'm Rolando.
Unknown: Rolando..listen. This is Sandy, Nikeya's mother. Did you send Nikki an e-mail?
Me: An e-mail? What e-mail?
Sandy: Jusei said you sent her and e-mail and now he's very upset. By the way, I'm sorry about your accident.
Me: Thanks.
Sandy: So did you send her an e-mail?
Me: Hm..I don't remember sending her an e-mail. I haven't sent her an e-mail for a long time.
Sandy: It must be an old e-mail then. You sent her pictures of your car...and something about a red car?
Me: Oh..yeah I did send her an e-mail.
Sandy: Did you say anything mean in it?
Me: No.
Sandy: Oh ok. Are you still trying to contact Nikki?
Me: No.
Sandy: Have you contacted her recently?
Me: No. Not really.
Sandy: What?
Me: Not since my car accident.
Sandy: Ok. Can you do me a favor?
Me: Ok.
Sandy: Can you not contact Nikki anymore? Don't talk to her, don't e-mail her..nothing.
Me: Ok
Sandy: Look. You gotta understand. They're back together and this is just causing stress in their relationship. You know? Just let them be.
Me: I know. I know. I understand.
Sandy: Please. Just don't talk to her anymore.
Me: ...Ok.
Sandy: *in a crying voice* Thank you.
Me: You're welcome.
Sandy: *still in a crying voice* Alright, byebye.
Me: Alright, bye.

That was seriously...weird. I felt bad for her. I didn't want her to cry. I can understand that she feels that her daughter is in stable relationship, with a guy who can take care of her...and here you have a bum (me) just ruining a "perfect" relationship. I felt so guilty. I didn't want Nikki's mom to cry. ....but come on! You people don't know me. You people don't give me a chance!
Then..my phone played Nikki's ring tone. I was thinking, "I wonder if Jusei is calling me from her phone." Hm..I picked up. I heard Nikki's voice. "Rolando, I can't talk to you anymore." I'm thinking, "Is she playing?" I kept asking if her speaker phone was on. And I also tried to talk calmly and not give out hints of what I was thinking..just in case the speaker phone was on. I was WARNED this might happen. We talked for like..one minute. It ended. I don't know. I'm just overwhelmed with guilt right now. I don't know anymore. All the while..I was talking to Stef. She said that this is all bullshit and that Nikki needs to leave that guy. She's like, "FUCK HIM!" "He's too controlling." I agreed with her.
*sigh* I don't know. But..how the hell did Jusei read Nikki's e-mail? Why the hell did he do that? Does he know her password? The guy probably went snooping on her computer. And what's wrong with thanking her for seeing me at the hospital? Also, ..how did Nikki's mom know about a red car? I don't remember sending pictures of my car to Nikki! Unless..she took a picture of my car..or mentioned it. Gah! I just feel this is the end of it all. And that Nikki may eventually just marry Jusei..to make everyone happy. I don't know anymore.

Well, Stef told me that her sister was coming down to Florida and that she might come down too. I hope Stef will come down to visit..and help Nikki. I want to help Nikeya sooo bad, and when Stef told me that Nikki was crying so hard..and that she could hear Jusei yelling..I got sad..and mad at the same time. I still question..why is she with a guy that acts like that? Gets jealous easily, doesn't listen, treats her like a child, and probably won't even help her with friendships or other personal matters. That's just not cool in my book. I wanted to go over there and kick Jusei's ass! Stef wanted to do the same!
I'm afraid that one day he'll snap and try to hurt her badly. That dude's got issues...seriously. I don't like bad mouthing people like that, but...come on!
And I don't know what to do now, but sleep. I'm broke. Dead broke. I feel bad for my parents. *sigh* I hope to hear a sign...a positive sign from..you know..soon, very soon. *sigh*
She's right. So much grief. People don't want to listen... Nikki is responsible enough to make her own decisions. I wish people would just understand..

Fin~

I wish Nikeya and I weren't caught that night. I wish things didn't go so fast between us. I wish the affair didn't occur, and we were still best friends. Because now I feel she's being whisked away out of my life. And it hurts sooooo much.
I know she wants to give Jusei another chance. As much problems as they've had, she really wants to work things out. Does that mean that what she and I had meant nothing? I hope not. I guess as she said, she didn't really give it her best.

Love is complicated. People will stick with people they know are completely wrong for them. Not implying that Nikeya and Jusei are wrong for each other, or Nikeya and I are wrong for each other. People won't give others a chance because they hold an emotional attachment to someone they're currently with. Like, take for example, an innocent girl with an abusive boyfriend. Everyone will tell her to get out of that relationship, but she'll continue to stay with the guy. She becomes used to the abuse. But when she gets out of that relationship and starts another with a guy who treats her really well...it's a complete shock! *shrugs* Love is complicated. I want to show Nikeya how she should be treated. Other than our incident with the affair, even as a friend...I showed her.
I sure hope that the fortune teller is wrong, for my sake. They range from an 80% to 100% accuracy. Btw, I think she should go revisit the fortune teller before she leaves Michigan. I know that sounds soooooo selfish of me...but I love Nikeya. I wish she would see how much she meant to me and would actually love to be with me. Wouldn't she want to be with a guy like me? No man can love her as much or more than I can...and currently do. I'm not obsessed. Not at all, but I want to be with her. I want to prove myself to her. I just want to win her heart again. Quite frankly, I don't think I've ever won it. Because half of her heart went to him, and the other half went to me.
When she asks me to come to Michigan, I seriously want to go, but I feel it'll be a waste. If I desperately wanted to go, I would've gone already..money or no money, but I feel I'd be wasting my time...because she'd be returning to him no matter what. Not me. What would seeing me again do? Bring a smile to her face? Maybe. But I want to bring that smile to her face everyday.
Nikeya? Can you give it a time period...Jusei's second chance? Like...a few months? If things don't change between you two, or if things get worse...please give me a chance. Please. Don't settle for just an ok relationship, when I know I can do better. I can treat you better. I can goof off better. And I know I can love you better. We'll have a lot more than just an ok relationship. It'll be great. It'll be awesome. Look at how we were/are as just friends. I'm not a child. I know what I'm saying. Why and how could I say I that I would devote myself to you when you were my first and only girlfriend? Because I know what dedication is. I know what it takes to love. I know what it takes to protect, cherish, nurture, and appreciate. Sure, I know I need more time and experience to strengthen, but I know what it takes!
How can I prove myself to you? Like, "on your 4 day vacation, if you show up to see me here in Michigan...I'll give you a chance after (enter number) months," or something like that. I just hope Jusei doesn't move you to another town.

I miss Nikeya so much. She hardly ever tells me that she loves me anymore. It makes me sad. -___________-
I can't force her heart to love me. She'll love me on her own accord. I hope she still loves me, more than just a friend. I know she wants to give Jusei a second chance, but I feel that he's already had a year's chance, and I still won her heart after they've been together for that long. There must be something wrong, ne? They had all that time to work whatever problems they had, and she still came to me. That's what I don't understand. How long will she give him a second chance? Don't I deserve another chance with Nikeya? Have a proven myself worthy in just the short time of being with her?

She wants to give him a second chance to find out if he's really right for her. But couldn't you tell that after being with someone for over a year? And how can you compare whether he's right for her, or if I'm right for her if I didn't have an equal opportunity as him? I didn't have as much time to spend with her as he. They didn't start off dating. They went from talking online..straight to living with each other. Nikeya and I started off as friends. We hung out as friends. And she seemed happier when we were together. If she was dating us both at the same time, I wonder who she'd choose...not feeling an obligation to either of us. Not feeling like she owes us. Who could make her happier in just a short amount of time?

I still love her with all my heart, unconditionally. Have I, in our short time of knowing each other, shown her how much I love her? I feel like I love and appreciate her more than Jusei, but I don't want to be the judge of his love for her. From the conversation with Ookami and Stef, and what I've heard from Nikeya...I suppose I've come to the conclusion that Jusei is selfish. I don't like to judge people without fully knowing them, but from what I've read and heard...he sounds selfish. He wants Nikeya to change some things for him, he wants her to never speak to me again, and he doesn't even seem concerned about why she cheated on him. He's just mad that she did cheat on him. He doesn't seem to care about much of anything else other than that she's back with him. I wish he'd actually want her to be happy...period, no matter who she's with...and not condemn everyone to hell all the time, when his heart is broken.

I remember when we first kissed. I wanted to kiss her, but I told her that it's ok that she doesn't kiss me. I understand that she didn't want to cheat. I didn't want her to cheat. But then she told me that it's not whether she allowed me to kiss her, she told me that she wanted to give me a kiss!
I'd actually be happy if Nikeya chose to be with none of us for now, be single, and just live on her own. She'd have full Nikeya time. She'd be truly independent..as she says she is..unless she's really dependent. Then she'd be able to decide who she truly wants to be with without anyone trying to romance her or whatever, because she wouldn't be living in either Jusei's world or Rolando's world. If not, then when she returns to Orlando, she'd be returning to his world again. Returning to his life. But again...he's already had a year's chance and still she wanted to be with me! They've had a long time to work out what problems they've had and still... Can't I have a fighting chance??? I love her with all my heart. I don't love her because she can fulfill my dream of marrying an American woman, and especially having a young bride (which I know many older guys would just die for). I'm not concerned with how "real" we look together, or how cute of a couple we make. Gomen...I know I just sounded so judgemental of him when I said that, but I just had to point that out. I actually feel like he treats her like she's his pet. Gomen.

I love her for who she is. I love her for how silly and dorky she was. I love her for how silly and dorky she currently is. I love her for her beauty. I love her for her open-mindedness. I love her for her friendship and I love her for her caring heart. I love her for her adventurous side, and I love her for her reserved side. I love the way she chews her food. I love the way she brushes her teeth. I love the way she talks. I love the way she looks without her retainer. I love the way she kisses me. I love the way she loves me. I love everything about her. I don't want her to change for me. If any change at all, I want Nikeya to change for Nikeya, for her own self-growth. I wish I could be with her forever, not only as a friend, but as a lover, a giver, a caretaker, and more. I love her more than words. It makes me wonder what Jusei loves her for. How much does he truly appreciate her?
Come on! He'd rather work his job than be with his girl. Talk about priorities. I know we all have responsibilities, but never ever compromise on your girl!!! If I was him, if I got the news my girl was returning to me and I was out of the country, I'd take the next flight out to be with her! I'd call her everyday. I'd want to know about her morning. I'd want to know about her afternoon. I'd want to know about her night. I'd call her to wish her a good night.

Do I want to compete with him? No. But I'd love a full fighting chance with Nikeya though. I mean...he's had one hell of a chance to be with her...or maybe in his case...her to be with him (like "I want you to choose me. I want you to be with me. I want you to make me happy again."); he's had a whole year. It makes me wonder, is Nikeya truly...truly listening to her heart, or is she just being kind and fair to his heart?

I hope my love isn't in vain. I hope she appreciates my love for her. I hope she sees how much I love her. I hope she knows I'd do anything within my limits for her. Nikeya is very very very special to me. She's my best friend. She's my true friend. She doesn't judge me by my looks. She's very understanding and caring. She's very fun and very loving. I love her soooooooo much for that.
Am I asking her to compare Jusei and I? I'm not sure. But look at how much I've loved her just such a short amount of time. I didn't take her for granted at all. I didn't yell at her at all. Please Nikeya...give me a chance. Give us a chance. Am I being selfish by asking that?
If she goes back with him and gives him a fighting second chance...they might have an ok relationship, but I don't know if she'll settle for an ok relationship. If she gives me another chance, I feel we will have an awesome relationship. I really really feel that. She already knows what it's like to be with him. Can't she find out what it's like to be with me? I'm not too hard to please. I'm not very stubborn. I don't get very jealous. And I don't and won't ask her to change for our future. I may ask her to take certain things into consideration, but I won't be controlling of her. I wonder how good of a relationship Jusei and Nikeya would have if Jusei had as much money as I did. That'd definitely mean less travel trips, less restaurant meals, less trips to the movies, and less shopping overall. I'm not implying that Nikeya is shallow. She's not shallow. And I'm not implying I'm cheap as hell. (Remember I don't have a job right now). I just wonder, would they still have as good a relationship?

I love Nikeya for more than words can say. Trust me. Believe me. Belieeeeeve me. I don't care if she's the only girl I've been with. I'm a dedicated and devoted person. I can't even bring myself to admire another girl because I love her soooo much. I can barely bring myself to even look at another girl because I love her sooooo much. She's not something to fulfill my dream. She's not an object. She's a loving human being and I love her for her.
I love her and I will not give up on her. I won't.

Maybe I've been having too much time thinking about what happened with Nikeya and I. I've been looking at the situation from all angles. I don't know if I'm making sense, if I'm right or wrong, or if I'm just completely delusional.
From that night, when we were caught making out in the Wal-Mart parking lot, I felt deep down that Nikeya wanted to still be with him. As much as she loved me, she wasn't quite prepared to be with me. I know in my heart I wasn't quite prepared to be with her. Everything came all too fast. Did Nikeya voluntarily leave on her own? Nope. She pretty much got kicked out. I feel that when Jusei sent her that e-mail inviting her to come back...she welcomed that opportunity. I kind of felt it was going to happen, because she had an unsettled score with him. She didn't leave him. He kicked her out. She missed being with him. Why? Because of all the time they spent together. You honestly can't let something like that die in just a day.
I'm still saddened that she decided to leave me to go back to him. She was seeing me because I made her more happy...right? I got along better with her. I understood her more. I listened to her. I believed in her. I motivated her..I think. Then why did she just leave me like that? Who cares if we only knew each other for just 2 months? I don't want to just chalk this relationship up as a bad experience. I still want to be with her. I feel like I'm ready to be with her now. I don't know about her. I don't know if I can just be her friend. If I just continue to be her friend, it'd be like I was ok with her leaving me and I'm sticking around to keep her company. That's pretty sad. I want her to be happy, but I want to be the one making her happy. I don't want to be the one making her happy, while she's with another man. That'd be messed up. That'd be like..lying.

Did I handle our relationship wrong? I felt like I didn't pay enough attention to her. Maybe that's why she left? I know she wasn't ready to adjust that quickly. All those responsibilities, finding another car, etc. And with nearly everyone disagreeing with our relationship, that definitely did not help make things better for us. Maybe she felt like I wasn't man enough for the situation. Gomen. It takes me a while to adjust, but once I do...I ready to tackle the task and get going. I just need a fighting chance. I want her to believe in me. I want everyone to support us.
Was I a bad person to her? Did he treat her better than I did? I remember the e-mail Jusei sent to her saying stuff about me not being mentally stable or comfortable to be around or something like that. He pretty much dissed me as being an irresponsible douche and he believes that he is her happy ending. Like, "Do you want to be with Orlando (aka the fucking yellow trash) and have a miserable life, or do you want to be with me and be very happy?" Honestly, how can you judge that? What are you basing your statement on? I still feel he treats her like a little child. I also remember glancing at another e-mail Nikeya had up, after she told him her decision, with him saying something like..."Kiki chan's a good girl now, right?" or some crap. O.o Whaaaaaaa? Also the "Take a look at pictures of me and my family. Check out your expensive kimono that costs $$$. Take a look at our Hawaii pictures." Omg. That definitely did not work in my favor. Omfg. That really really did not work in my favor. I swear that guy has serious advantage over me when it comes to money. Travel, buying pretty stuff, etc. I guess I can't compare?
Oh yeah, and the dude wants to cut off my dick. And he wants me dead. O.O I'll state what I know is true, but I'm not going to diss Jusei. He disrespected me, but I'll be a better man than that. He can conjure up whatever ideas he wants.
My roommates told me a few days before Nikeya broke up with me that they were talking to each other about her hurting me; something along the lines of, "I don't know about this girl, man. I have a feeling she's gonna hurt Roly." They didn't want to say anything to me cause they thought I'd get mad, but I guess they were right in a sense. It is true that we happened too fast.
If we're meant to be, we're meant to be. I really, truly want to be with Nikeya. I LOVE NIKEYA!!! I want to be there for her. I support her being herself and what she wants out of life. I support her going to Michigan to be with her friends. I support her spending time with her friends. I do my best to encourage her and motivate her. I want to free her from her fears. I want her to be the best she can be. I want to know everything about her. I want to be friends with her friends. I want to have a great relationship with her family. I want to grow old with her. lol.
It's truly up to her to ultimately decide who is truly right for her.
I know what I'm capable of. I've been through a lot of what she's been through, and vice-versa. We're best friends..well..I'm one of her best friends ^__^. I have goals. Of course I'm not rich, but I can support her. We relate so well. I feel that though I'm not that well off financially...we're meant to be together. I honestly believe that.

Nikeya, I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry for frustrating you sometimes with my "I don't knows". lol. Please forgive me. I honestly love you. I'd never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I miss you so much. I hope we will be together again soon. You know I'll be working hard to win you over again. But yes, it's up to you. Again...I love you.

For a short amount of time, I was the happiest man alive. I was with the girl I've always wanted, but I feel I blew it. I don't know how to describe it.

(BTW, I'm on the computer in the apt club house and some dude is sitting not too far from me and can possibly read what I'm typing so, I'm kind of nervous)

I LOVE NIKEYA!!! I love her with all my heart and soul and would and still will do anything for her. I want to follow her to Michigan. I want to follow her wherever she goes. I wish she knew what she really wants. I still question how much she loved me.
Why would she go back to something she was getting away from? Have I failed? What did I do wrong? I feel like I'm the one who is best for her. I felt I treated her better. I support her wanting to be with her friends. I support her trip to Michigan. But I can't fully understand her decision to be with Jusei. Does she still want to be with me? I wish she would break it off with him, so she could be with me, but I have no right to end happiness if that's what he gives her. I believed in her. I can't understand why she'd want to let a guy like me go. Two months, a year, five years; time means nothing when in comes to knowing somebody and truly connecting with them. I don't understand. I guess I'll finish blogging later. BTW, Jusei wants me dead.

I feel like disappearing. I feel like dying. I'm very lost right now. I'm soooo lost. I don't want to be found. I had soooooo much hope. And I was sooooooooooo happy. Extremely happy. It hurts soooooooooo much to even think anything right now. But why did I believe? Why did I have hope? He had more time to spend with her. I feel like I'm just another guy. Why?! Why?! Why?!
Why did I believe that she actually wanted to be with me? How could I be soooooo stupid to believe that a wonderful girl would enter my life and permanently be with me. I'm still in love with her. I still love her with all my heart. You know what? I actually glanced a bit at one of the e-mails he sent to her. I can already understand why the change of heart. I think. Maybe she's feeling sorry for him. The e-mail he sent I seriously think helped sway her back in his direction. They shared many memories. Memories that I didn't get to create with her.
Fuck!!! WHY?!!!!
I'm soooooooo stupid to believe. I know everything happened fast, but why did I believe what she said? She said she made a decision...to be with me. I'd love to be with Nikeya. I still want to be with her. It hurts soooooooooo much. Sooooooooo much. Sooooooooooo much!!!!!
Fuck!!!! Why?! Why me?!
I feel in the end, she'll still be with him. She won't go back to me. I feel it. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooo in love. I still love her with all my heart. It hurts sooooooo much. I appreciated every little moment we had, no matter what was going on at that time. FUCK!!!!!!!!!! My GOD!!!!!!!!!! I'd like to believe that we'd be together someday again. But FUCK!!!!!!!!!! I just don't fucking know right now. I feel like I've done wrong. Maybe I didn't make her feel special enough. I seriously thought she was ready to move on with her life. Jusei...I envy him. I do. He's going to be back with a wonderful girl, a seriously wonderful girl. I wish she was mine. I seriously wish she was mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?! Why was I teased like this? A big tease! FUCKING HELL!!! My god, I still love her. I really do love her. OMFG!!! Kill me! Please kill me! Please, please, please kill me!!! Just kill me right now!!! I don't know what's going on in Nikeya's mind right now. FUCK!!! I seriously believed that she wanted to be with me. Does she truly love me? Truly? When I glanced at Jusei's e-mail...I feel his e-mail swayed her decision. It did. It did. It did. FUCK!!! NIKEYAAAAA!!!! GOD! How could I believe? She'd want to be with me. I'm already afraid to ask that one question that I asked soooo many times. "Do you want to be with me?"

*originally posted the afternoon of May 24th...then deleted*

Sometimes, I need space to gather my thoughts. Sometimes I enjoy being alone, because it gives me time to analyze things and get my priorities straight. That's why I can't always, up front, say what's on my mind. My mind is so full of thoughts, that I can't just lay in on the line right then and there.
Do I feel lonely at times? Of course. Everyone feels that way at some time. Anyway...Nikeya already knows I like her. She's an awesome girl. I'm happy to have met her. I still feel awkward about her engagement, but I'm learning to accept that. I know I'm just a friend, but I love helping her, and I love to make her smile. I love it when she hugs me and I love it when we act stupid together. I just wonder how long this will last. I know I'm not her boyfriend. There's a good chance that I'll never be. I wonder if Jusei knows that she hangs out with me, and if he's cool with it. I'd like to give Nikeya more, but I feel it's best if I don't. Like, I feel like paying for all our meals together. When she pays for her own meal, I feel guilty. I feel like buying her things she likes. But I back down. I'm not her man. I'm not one to try to steal a girl from another guy. And I feel that she'd feel like I'm trying to take Jusei's place if I do such nice things.
Also, everytime she leaves..I feel like giving her a hug. I stop myself then too..most of the time, because..I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to take Jusei's place. And another thing, it seems that when her bf is at work..she likes to spend her time hanging out with me. When he's not at work...they do their stuff together..and that's fine. Again..cause I'm not her man. I do feel that when her bf is off work..I'm just here to occupy her time while she's bored..until they go out to eat or something. I sometimes wonder how much do they actually relate to each other..and what exactly, other than loving and caring for each other..and sharing a pet, do they have in common?
The age thing still weirds me out, but I've pretty much accepted it...I think. He's much older, thus he's more likely to have more money saved up..thus being able to buy her some nice stuff. I feel that she's with him because he brings her stability. I, on the other hand, am still a young guy..on the brink of my career. I'm trying to keep my head up and do my thing, because I know where I want to go. I know what I want to do and I know how to get there. It just takes focus. I plan to become a BMW or Mercedes-Benz technician and earn nearly 0k a year. I'd also like to move to Japan and just become a race car driver, or a tuner shop mechanic. If I had a career as such..at this point in time, I'd definitely be able to support a girlfriend, and a family, and keep my girl materially happy. I feel like I've already got a great personality, but I'm just not financially sound right now. I know my personality faulter's a bit, when I hit rough spots, but doesn't everyone's personality faulter at one point or another? Is being financial unsound an unattractive trait? Of course it is..especially when you can't monetarily care for someone you love. I am willing to work hard though, if I do get involved with a girl soon, to support us both. I'll probably come home a lot happier, because I can have peace of mind that she's actually my girl. A girl that I can love, hold, cherish, spoil, etc. Ya know? And her truly loving me and being there for me, is the only support I'll ever need. I'd feel invincible. And though I'll be a bit busier with work, supporting us both..I'll do everything to make her happy when I'm not working. It's nice to dream....
Back on point, am I capable to winning any girl's heart? Of course. Every guy is capable of doing such. Um...hm..that's not the point I wanted to erm.. point out.
A girl wants stability in a guy. Yes. She wants someone dependable; someone who'll love her for her...unconditionally. Someone who will stay with her until the end. (This excludes the swinger type of course.) I feel like I fit that description. I'm a very loyal person. I'm willing to commit myself to one girl and only one girl...and yes..even marry her. I'm willing to work harder for someone I love..than I would for just myself. Does that mean that I don't like to work hard for myself? No. I'll work hard for myself, but I know I'll work harder to keep someone else happy. I put others before myself. That's me. I also have good bathroom habits..I think. Yes..I do put the toilet seat down.
Uh..hm..yeah. I like it when Nikeya comes to visit me. She's a great friend. I like being available to comfort her and help her. I also feel special when she wants to come over even at like..1AM. At that time, I start to wonder where the hell Jusei is. Shouldn't he be the one for her to run to? Is he always available for her? Is he her best friend? BTW, I think couples who start off as best friends tend to be closer couples, because they know everything about each other...and are very open to each other. They know what to expect from the relationship, and know how to handle each other. If Jusei is going to marry her, I want to be sure that he is her best friend. He'd better treat her right, and treat her better than I can. I feel that I can do as well as him, if not better. I may not have the money right now, but I'm one dedicated son of a bitch when it comes to fighting for someone I love. Anyway, if two people are willing to commit to staying with each other till the end of time, they'd better be best friends damn it!
Anyway, what is my opinion worth? I've only known Nikeya for roughly a month. Damn! Seems much longer than that though.
Oh yeah. When my mom calls, and she hears Nikeya's voice in the background, I like to play it off because I don't want my mom to get excited. She'd be very excited if I had a girlfriend. Even just having a female friend, she'd get excited about that too..because she'll get her hopes up. I don't want to let her down...so I play it off. Also, my roommate(s) keep asking me about "that girl". Of course, I tell them that she's just a friend and a coworker. It's nice to think I have a girlfriend and that my family and friends get excited for me, but it's not true. I have no girlfriend.

I wonder..how long can a platonic friendship last? Platonic friendships seem to begin with one person attracted to the other. I feel that unless I end up hooking up Nikeya sometime down the road..we'll lose contact..and grow old separately. I feel that the best thing for me to do in the end..with the way things are going..is to move far away from her and start my life anew elsewhere. I'd feel happy, yet very sad if I stayed near her...and she starts having kids and stuff. You know...
Also, when she canceled work today, I thought, "Cool..we can hangout more and stuff." And she mentioned Panera Bread. I was like, "Cool. Maybe she wants me to go with her." But nah. Not today. It ended when her scheduled work time rolled around and then she said she'd better get going. Well..that sucked. Like I said, I know I'm not her boyfriend. She's got someone else for that position. She's not going to spend every waking moment of her life with me. Hey, at least she kept me company. That was nice.
Well..here's a good point I should tell myself: if you truly love someone, sometimes the hardest, yet best thing to do is to let them go. If they come back to you, then maybe it's meant to be. However, if you never put up a fight..then that point is moot. Isn't it?
I just know when she reads this, I'm going to get some reply like.."i don't know what to say", or "i'm sorry", or "that's sweet", or maybe I'll get a shocking reply like, "how dare you?!". Replies like that make me feel bad, because I spill my guts...and then I'm left there..with spilt guts. That's such a nice picture, isn't it? lol. Yeah. Nothing really changes after I spill my guts. Someone gets a better understanding of me, but I also feel at the same time..the more you get inside my head, the more you fear me...or something else. Actually, when you get into somebody's head..you're bound to find unusual and sometimes frightening thoughts. There's something that'll be revealed that'll make you second guess that person. At that time..first impressions no longer matter. I wonder if Nikeya has already gotten into Jusei's head...like...seriously.

Hm..I shouldn't care anymore. Nikeya and I will be good friends until we grow older..then eventually apart..I suppose. It'd be totally weird if we remained best friends until age 60..and we both have our own families; remain best friends, but grow old..separately. That's why I question how long platonic friendships last. You know? But hey, for what the situation is right now..it's good practice on how to be with and act around a girl for when I actually become involved with my special somebody.

I think I should just sum it all up now. Nikeya is a rare catch; a very fucking rare catch indeed. She's an awesome girl and a great friend. When she plays arounds with me, I feel like I've got a shot with her. It brings up my self-esteem. If we never hook up, I hope she has a great life. If she only has her bf in mind as the only possible guy in existence for her, I feel she and I should keep our distance...so I won't stay emotionally attached to her. I'll be available to talk to her, but I don't know. I don't even know if I can be best friends with a girl anymore. Hm..I've been typing this blog entry for 2 straight hours. Damn! Anyway, if she's got her boyfriend, what does she need me for? Seriously. If she's got someone whom she's willing to spend the rest of her life with, what am I for? To fill in a void? I can't be there forever. If I have to fill in many voids, there's something wrong with her current relationship. If I can make a girl happier than her current significant other, by all means...please be with me. And no..I'm not implying anything by that. Their relationship could be the greatest of all time, but she justs gets bored at times... I'm just saying.. Anyway, from all this, I feel the loneliness. I want to feel that I'm wanted..dearly. I want to feel..like I belong... I don't like to be just..teased. Anyway...love is love. Love will stay love, until there is love no more. Then..there is nothing. If two people are willing to commit to each other, who says you can't make sugar from shit? Why settle for a good relationship, when you can have an awesome relationship? Well..that's love for ya. Mkay. I think I'll conclude here..and prepare for some verbal retaliation.

Now that you know me, can you live without me? You sure? How sure?

I'm freaking the fuck out right now. I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling unstable. I hate feeling imperfect. I hate what I have. I get jealous very fucking easily. I hate the loneliness. I hate falling in love. I hate school. I hate my clothes. I hate my thinking. I hate being a Virgo. I hate my progression. I hate my apartment. I hate trying to be a perfectionist, because nothing is ever perfect. I want stability. I want love. I want comfort. I want someone to hold. I want so many things. I want things I can't have. I hate my blog. I hate my MySpace. I don't know why I'm freaking out like this. I really don't know why. I'm on the edge of having a major breakdown. I want to go numb now. I seriously don't wish to exist right now. The feelings are overwhelming. The love, the pain, the loneliness, the fear...is overwhelming.
I'm usually one to keep a level head, but I just don't know right now. I don't know. I don't know. I hate feeling this unstable. Hold me. Please hold me. Tell me everything will be ok. Comfort me. Kiss me. Let me fall asleep on your lap. ...won't happen though. Nobody hears me. I feel like a character in a movie right now. I need to just chill the fuck out right now. >____< Why me?! What am I doing wrong?! Why do I feel left out?! Why don't you care enough about me?! God! Shit! Who am I talking to?! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK THIS SHIT!!! It doesn't feel worth it. Does it?! Who am I kidding?! Seriously...who am I kidding?! Nobody loves me... Yes, I seriously feel that way. I seriously, seriously do! FUCK!!!

*sigh* That was a nice vent. I'm actually feeling better now. Yeah, sometimes I need reassurance that someone loves me. Not that LYLAB shit. *takes deep breath*
Ahem. Yeah. Loneliness is a bitch. I'll conjure up nonsense. Fin~

I need to get over my self-defeating thoughts. I feel that I'm just not appreciated sometimes, but that shouldn't get me down. Do I feel special? Right now, I don't. Then again, I just woke up from crappy sleep. I don't know. *sigh* Who am I? What am I worth? Am I very special to somebody? If I am, how special am I? Well...I need reassurance, because I'm very very self conscious. As my previous entry says about Virgos, we're perfectionists. That doesn't mean we're perfect, but we aren't fully satisfied until something is perfect. Do I find myself to be picky? Definitely. If I see a picture of myself looking like someone I don't see in the mirror, I feel horrible. Like...right now.
I don't know sometimes. Sometimes I feel great..and I like to cheer people up by goofing off. Today, however, is weird. I don't know. I feel motivated to make myself better, yet sad. I want to kick some ass...and feel awesome. Maybe I just need a nice shower. Maybe I just need a warm hug. I love hugs...especially long duration hugs. ^^
Hm..the stagnant energy. I want to break it. I want it to die off. I can't wait to get my car back...I love to drive. I love to drive everywhere. Driving, I feel free. Ease my pain. Ease my mind. Free my worries. Free my soul.
Sometimes I feel if I combine my overall personality with good looks...I'd be hot stuff lol. I suppose my only gripe is my looks. I know I'll be a total package someday soon. I have to keep my eye on my goal. There are many obstacles that I must overcome; many hurdles I must leap over..or just knock over. I know what I must do. I know. I know. I just have to face the obstacles head on. Keep my eye on the prize. Everything will pay off in the end. Damn it! I want a supportive, motivating girlfriend. Poopy. Yet..I'm striving to look good to attract a supportive, motivating girl. How um...redundant..or..ironic. I think. I dunno. Fin~

I just found a post on eHow.com about "How to Date a Virgo", which is my astrological sign. I found one entry by an eHow member which spoke very true to myself. Thus, I post:

Virgos, I have found, are a lot like Pisces. They are service oriented, detail driven, and very intuitive and receptive to their environment. The only difference is the way they process things. While Pisces categorizes things emotionally, Virgos do so mentally. Much like Pisces can become ruled by their emotions, Virgos tend to let their minds become flooded. It is for this reason Virgos are seen as somewhat hyper, gears constantly in motion.

But below the surface of that constant spinning, lies compassion, tenderness, sensuality. They are earth signs after all. Once things are processed on a mental plane, transcendence to the emotional one can take place. This truly is a beautiful thing for a Virgo. A Virgo that can allow his environment to infuse his emotional reality can truly benefit from his own compassion, tenderness, and earthiness.

The greatest gift, I have found as a Pisces myself, that you can give a Virgo is patience. Patience for them to process where things fit into their life, how it affects them, and how it can be beneficial. Patience for them to understand and grow. Patience in knowing them because they never fully reveal themselves. A discerning eye is definitely in order when involved with a Virgo.

Virgos don't necessarily want someone to hold their hand through their trials and tribulations. They want understanding, knowing that they are not alone, and comfort in their own minds; for this is both their greatest weapon and most challenging foe. Finding a way to understand the balance that must exist in a Virgos life truly lends itself to becoming a part of their world. They will let you in only after they are secure with where you fit in. Not that they will use you, but some order must be present in order for them to truly trust you. Trust is foremost on their agenda. A gift that must be earned, but once earned yields deep benefits and rewards. To be on the receiving end of a trusting Virgo is truly a sight to behold. They will encourage you to be a better person, lavish you with constrictive praise, and want nothing more for you than growth; they will grow with you.

Finding a way to help a Virgo relax opens him up to becoming more receptive and in tune with his environment. Anyone who knows a Virgo is well aware of their nature to become overly excited and in a constant state of nervousness. Giving the Virgo the gift of relaxation, be it meditation, massage, etc; allows them to open their third eye and helps them to achieve a state of balance, which is what they long for.

To truly benefit from the gift of a Virgo, you must be yourself. As many others have said, Virgos abhor falseness and facades. There is nothing a Virgo strives for more than perfection. Perfection in alignment of thoughts, emotions, and acquaintances. Not that you must be perfect, but you must be true in what it is you bring to the table.

They are great people to know. They make great friends, wonderful counselors, and great lovers. All it takes is patience, truthfulness, and an eye on growth. That's not too much to ask.

Sometimes...the loneliness here is killing me. I spend more time wishing not to be alone than I do for studying. I barely study anymore. Sometimes I just feel like leaving school. Sometimes, I feel like leaving this place and starting a new life in another country. I'm barely awake enough in school to understand what the hell is going on. I'm retaining next to none of the information being taught and I feel like I'm wasting money just being there. The actual school is not hard. It's just that my mind is always occupied with matters other than school.
I can find many ways to keep myself entertained, but I don't like feeling lonely. *sigh* Priorities, priorities. This is just another challenge of many more in my life. Does it make me less of a man to complain about my problems? *sigh*
All my previous bouts of depression have all been related to loneliness. I never like to feel lonely. *sigh* I just need to release. Get rid of all this pent up stress right now. Do I explode or implode? Release me...
I'm not an emotional nutcase. I'm not a walking pile of instability. I'm just human~

This song is a bit difficult to translate properly, especially since it's a dueted song. Where it says [Duet], both Jay and Lara are singing simultaneously, but singing different lyrics. Anyway, it's one of my favorite songs. Enjoy~

Jay: On the surface of the ocean, the weather afar starts to go haze
J: How can the sadness be calm and pure white?
J: My face always shows
J: an expression of helplessness

Lara: You use lip language to say you're leaving
J: Your heart is not here
Together: That grieve silently slows down
T: The heavy outflow of tides; you listen carefully
T: It is not the tides but a sea of tears

[Duet]
J: I turn around; I cannot say let's break up
L: You have something to tell me, but you cannot bring it up

T: The love between the sea birds and the fish is only just an accident
[Duet]
J: Our love; the difference is always there
L: The love you give me; the difference is always there; I cannot return

[Duet]
J: The dusts in the wind actually accumulates into damage
L: Waiting actually accumulates into damage

T: I turn around; I can't say let's break up
T: The azure Coral Sea; if we miss it, it suddenly goes pale

[Duet]
J: In the first place; we weren't mature enough and we weren't open to our feelings
L: You and I are both not mature enough and open to our feelings; this shouldn't be

[Duet]
J: The passion is no longer there; the smile can't be forced
L: Your smile can't be forced

T: Our love has been deeply buried in the Coral Sea

J: The damaged sand carving; how can it restart?
J: The cracking love; how can it be rebuilt?
J: It's just that everything; end too quickly
J: You said you can't let it go

L: What hope is hidden in the shell?
J: Waiting for the flower to blossom

T: We don't want to guess anymore
L: Face the breeze
J: Face the breeze
L: The salty love
J: The salty love
T: We cannot taste it if we still have a future

[Duet]
J: I turn around; I can't say let's break up
L: You have something to tell me, but you can't bring it up

T: The love between the sea birds and the fish is only just and accident
[Duet] J: Our love; the difference is always there
L: The love you give me; the difference is always there; I can't return

[Duet]
J: The dusts in the wind actually accumulates into damage
L: Waiting actually accumulates into damage

T: I turn around; I can't say let's break up
T: The azure Coral Sea; if we miss it, it suddenly goes pale

[Duet]
J: In the first place; we weren't mature enough and we weren't open to our feelings
L: You and I are both not mature enough and open to our feelings; this shouldn't be

[Duet]
J: The passion is no longer there; the smile can't be forced
L: Your smile can't be forced

T: Our love has been deeply buried in the Coral Sea

In my opinion, this song is about two people who are of totally different worlds. They don't want to end their relationship, but they really have nothing for each other. That's my take on the song~

My mind has been cluttered lately. I've been searching for answers, searching for easier ways to improve myself, improve my self worth. What is my value? What do I have to offer, and what am I missing? Is it experience? Gosh, I feel like I'm gonna end up like the guy in The 40-Year Old Virgin. *smacks head*
I should stop focusing on love in general, and just numb myself out for awhile. I should stop thinking about a girl I can't have, and just focus on my studies. Push away all emotions and just become a book nerd. However, that's what I'm afraid of. I lack so much love, affection, and communication as it is...I don't know if I can push it completely aside for now. I'm trying to find a balance, but I feel I'm being pulled towards either side.
*sigh* I guess the only thing I can do is do the best for me. Become very proficient in my Japanese language skills and focus on school. I wish I could have someone who loves me, and assures me that she won't leave me..so I can go focus on other matters in life. I guess I feel like I've got a lot to lose right now.
Maybe if I become the best I can be..things will fall into place. I need to do something though, because I feel stagnant again.
If I wish to be with someone, as long as she and I are alive in this world..regardless of who we're involved with as of right now, and as long as I never give up on her..we'll be together someday. Not a bad thought, eh?

*nod* Yes...please shoot me.

As the title says...don't read.

Gah. I thought hard about this, but it's very difficult to say. Well, I might as well go ahead and say it. Get it over with. But it's hard to say. I don't want to interrupt anything. I don't want to ruin anything. A friendship..nor a relationship. Well. Fine...
I like my friend. I like her a lot. A whole lot. I've liked her since I met her. She's awesome in so many ways. She's beautiful, funny, crazy (in a nice way), friendly, caring, understanding, and much more. If she was available, I'd without a doubt date her in a heartbeat. Anyway, from what I hear, she's engaged to be married to a much much older guy. Married! He seems like a cool guy, so that's great if everything works out for them. I guess I just feel like I lucked out. You know..too late. I wonder what he has to offer, that I don't have. I can't speak another language, nor do I have a cool sounding name. But I feel like I've got much to offer. Maybe it's just not enough. I suppose she'll either be totally weirded out by this, or maybe she'll just be flattered. I don't know.
I suppose I've been holding back because I don't want our friendship to change. I don't want to stop hanging out with her. I'm embarrassed to even be blogging this. Admitting serious affection for a friend. Gah! Why me? I also feel a bit embarrassed because I've never had a girlfriend. Ever. So, I figure there's something unattractive about me. I know I'm not in the best of shape, so I feel she judges me by that..no matter how much she'll say that it's what's inside that counts.
I suppose I could just play it cool, like I'm totally unphased...by I won't lie to myself. Do I feel heartbreak? I'm not sure. I'm just...eh.. Would "torn" be the word? I don't know. Fine~ I'm done. She won't figure it out until she reads this...if ever. The message is out. *shrugs* That's all. I feel better.

All the italicized letters spell a message

I'm a sappy bastard. I can't deny it. I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a dreamer. I can dream my dreams and make my wishes, hoping they'll all come true. All this thinking..makes me want to hit the gym. I'm too self-conscious. I know I'm not at my best physically. No matter what, I feel like I'm judged. I don't know why. If someone says something positive about me, I'm all modest about it. I don't know. I just want love. Fuck. Seems so embarrassing to want it, but I want it. I won't deny that. Do I deserve it? I don't know. But I just feel ashamed of how I look. Do many people judge me by the way I look? Yes. Definitely. I only care for the opinions of girls though. I don't know. Help? *sigh* Even though nobody reads this shit...it's still to embarrassing to admit to myself. I don't know. Fuck~
fin~

I hope I don't fall into my pool of unhappiness again. An endless pool, where I can drown till I'm gone. I feel numb. I don't know how to feel right now. So many thoughts...I don't know. Help me. Jealousy. Find me...hold me. I feel alone. An empty drone. Fill me..kill me. Slowly wither the pain. Writher in the shadow of my own facade. I wear my happiness, but I don't know what to feel anymore. I want something. I want...something. Something..I'm not sure. Love? Do I long for love? Who? Me? Am I sure? Am I worthy of such a gift? Do I even know what that feeling is? I think. I think I know how to love. Have I felt it? I'm not sure. I'm just not so sure...at all. I don't know. What am I thinking?...I just don't know anymore. Please..end my feelings. No more wanting. No more pain...

I just felt like posting the translated lyrics to X Japan's song Forever Love. It's a very beautiful song and one of my favorites. Enjoy~

I'll never walk alone again, the winds of time are too strong.
Ah, it's that what you hurt, which you'll have to live with...
Ah, this tight embrace, and this burning, unchanged heart.
In this ever changing time, love will never change.

Will you hold my heart? Stop flowing tears.
Again, all of my heart is broken....

Forever love, forever dream
Only flowing emotions,bury this intense,
trying, meaningless times.
Oh tell me why ... all I see is blue in my heart.

Will you stay with me? Wait until after the wind passes,
all my tears are still flowing...

Forever love, forever dream Stay with me like this.
Hold my trembling heart in the dawn.
Oh stay with me...

Ah, everything good seems to be ending,
in this unending night.
Ah, what else would you lose if nothing at all matters.

Forever love, forever dream, stay with me like this.
Hold my trembling heart in the dawn.

Oh will you stay with me... Until the wind passes,
stay with me again.

Forever love, forever dream, I'll never walk this path.
Oh tell me why, tell me true, teach me how to live.
Forever love, forever dream, within flowing tears
Bright seasons will forever change again and again....
forever love...

the end~

How do I know when to act like myself? I feel as if I've been holding back lately. Who am I now? Seems that if I'm near girls, no matter how well I get alone with them, I tend to erm..be very shy. I don't know why.

I got word tonight from my mom that my Uncle Dan passed away in the Philippines. He was coughing up blood and got rushed to the hospital. I don't know what happened.
I met him when I was in the homeland in 2001. He played pretty good guitar and took me to the guitar shops. I hope he's in a better place. No more suffering.

R.I.P. Uncle Dan...

Finished wasting my gas, hoping to reach a place I think I'd like to be. I failed. Quarter-tank, gone. Clutch, fucked up. I don't know what to do right now. I feel so lost and feel so torn. What to do? What can I do?

Coming back to this place, to my domain...waiting for peace, I heard a rapping. My roommate came home with his girl. What do you know? It's nearing their one-year anniversary. He surprised her with a gift. How sweet. Though my door was closed..I could feel the excitement in the air. Yet I feel numb to romance. What is it? Can it be felt? Does love have to be reciprocated in order for it to be valid? Does it have a color?
If so, I'd like to obtain this color..and paint my room with it, so I'd feel like I'm in love. How corny, ne?

Well, my desk has arrived. I'll assemble it. Too bad my chair isn't here. Tis a shame. Ja ne~

Could you take a minute or two...to listen to your heart? Would you lie to yourself? Are you sure about your answer? Tell me.
Let fade me not
Lets not bask in the glow of silence
Your words, undone?
I've heard nothing
The shriekful melodies, fill the air
I can't hear you
Don't whisper
You can't lie to yourself
Just let it go
Fade
Fade

So tonight was my first night after training. What confused me lots is that I still don't know the drink menu...like...at all lol. I don't know why the hell I was put on the floor with the experienced servers, and expected me to perform well. My first table...gah! They were alright people, but they asked me about the Early Bird Boat. I'm like, *thought: "fuck!"* I know pretty much nothing about the EBB. The lady at the table was like "ooooohh!", with excitement. "Describe it to me." I'm like..uh..*thinks of picture of EBB*. "It has uh..kushiyaki, sushi, uh...a lobster tail.." About that point I just went blank.
Questions like that scare the shit out of me. Tonight wasn't all too bad, but to think of other nights..busier nights...gah! And I was in charge of 1-2 tables. Busier nights, maybe I'll serve like..2-4?

After the hustle and bustle..things cooled down. I got to loosen up a bit...kind of. After work, I had a nice talk with Nikeya, a very good friend of mine. I thought she'd be freaking cold and stuff. I would've let her use my ugly "happi" to shield from the cold, but I didn't think she'd like that at all. I felt bad for her though. I didn't know what to do. Twas pretty much the only time I've actually stood in front of a girl, and she willingly had a conversation with me. O.O
My mind is old chewed up so I'll end.

Well...I live in Orlando now. I go to school and work, averaging about 5 hours sleep per night. I'm sleepy as hell, and I still have to learn the food menu at work. I feel like hell right now, but I'm sure it'll all be worth it. Anyway...I'm gonna get ready for work. Ja~

Hello loyal followers of the SEKIRO blog ^__^
Missed me?

I lost my AIM buddy -__-. I accidentally deleted my AIMbot friend. Although we never talked, I wish..uh..."it"..a fond farewell.
Now on to better news. Only 2 1/2 months till i'm off to the big "O". It's very exciting. I'm going to be on my own; something I've been looking forward to, but haven't yet accomplished due to fund lacking.
Ok ok, not necessarily fund lacking; more so..not saving/spending my money as wisely as I should. I still have to save for school! Noooo! I hope I can save enough to get settled and find a job.

What have I been up to lately, you ask? I've just been recovering from the holidays. I killed off my holiday weight in only 5 days; I'd gained 10lbs btw. So, that means I lost about 2lbs a day! ^__^ No..I didn't starve myself nor did I regurgitate anything.

I was looking in the mirror not too long ago, and I've come to think that many Asian guys can't grow sideburns very well. I've got feminine sideburns! I can barely grow anything there. I'm having trouble growing facial hair overall. My smooth baby face type deal is alright, but I just don't want to look like a girl.

Anyway, that's all for now. Ja ne.

I need anger management...seriously.
Just few minutes ago, I was playing Need for Speed Underground 2 on my PlayStation 2.
I got so pissed off that my car was going too slow and I lost the race so I threw the controller to the floor. Hm..didn't break. T'was still intact.
I raced again...slow car...lost the race. I took the controller and threw it at the back door in the living room. Still intact.
I raced again. Lost again. My car is too damn slow! I threw the controller at the tv. The rumbling device on the right side of the controller popped out halfway from the controller. I put it back in. The bottom part of the controller is now loose. I raced again.
Stupid car is still too fucking slow. (BTW, I'm racing to earn money to upgrade parts for the car to make it go faster.) I threw the controller into the kitchen..causing it to unplug from the PS2.

Here's where the fun begins. I picked it up off the floor and threw it back into the living room. I picked it up again..and I slammed it to the floor. Pieces and shit flying everywhere. I jump on the controller and repeatedly stomped the fuck out of it.

I consciously knew what I was doing and yet regretting it at the same time, but I couldn't stop my foot from stomping. I wonder if it's like that with people who kill in a fit of rage...ending up stabbing someone over 120 times. They just can't stop the rage.

MadCatz PS2 Controller -
Electricity cost for Playing NFSU2 -
Getting pissed off, cussing outloud at midnight, and beating the shit out a nice PS2 controller - Priceless.

Like I said...I need anger management. Don't I?
As much as I think I'd like one, I don't think I should have a girlfriend. She may think I'm nuts.
I do have patience..but I hate it when things aren't going my way...even when I'm trying my very best. Unfortunate events prevent what I'm trying to achieve (i.e. While racing in the game, on public roads, there are civilian cars driving around everywhere. Sometimes they just appear out of nowhere and it's quite easy to crash into them and lose the race.) *sigh* Help me...
BTW, don't mind the nasty looking brown carpet. It's over 20 years old. My mom and I are trying to convince my dad to get laminated wood flooring or berber carpet.

Learned new crap last night while eating at China Buffet.
- My grandmother (mom's side) is 1/2 Chinese, 1/4 Spanish, 1/4 Filipino
- My grandfather (mom's side) is 1/2 Spanish, 1/2 Filipino
- My grandmother hates the Japanese (WWII Philippines invasion by the Japanese...go figure)
- So I'm 1/16 Chinese

Good to know I got the fractions worked out.
Since my grandma hates the Japanese...I wonder what would happen if I married a Japanese girl lol. That would so ruffle her feathers. Sweet! lol.

Happy Birthday pfor to meeez <__>
No longer a teenager.
I need sleep. Bye~

hello blog...

I've got nothing to blog about, so I'll just post a picture of Benny's growth progress.

I don't get my dad. He's such a fucked up, inconsiderate, incompassionate asshole. He doesn't like pets. He thinks hitting a dog is funny. I hate him for being my dad.
He thinks being a dad is spending money on his children. He's never there to understand. Never there to support. Actually, neither one of my parents is interested in knowing the interests of us..their kids. My dad is a balding, bloated, whining bitch. He'd rather leave the house and hang out with my uncle (his brother) than spend time with us. He thinks my mom is a disappointment. I don't like my dad. I don't love my dad. I pretty much have no care for my dad. He was never there for me emotionally. Never there for me physically. He's just there to fix broken shit...and complain if there's too much to fix.
He's not interested in my ideas...unless he, himself, can profit from it. Talk about being a supportive dad. He's not a father figure. He's just a guy who provides money to pay bills. Wants me to help him with his project. Doesn't give a damn to help me with mine. When I refuse to work with him...he thinks I'm being a lazy bum..who uses too much electricity. I try to talk to him and explain myself. Nothing gets through. Behind the smile he shows to the rest of the family...he's just a big, goddamn, asshole. BTW..he locked my puppy outside cause he doesn't like him (Benny). WTF?!

Anyway, other than that rant, I got off work early; 5 hours early. I don't know what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. I don't really care for the upcoming holiday. I'm not going to celebrate. I appreciate the freedom, but eh...I don't care to celebrate. Fin~

I hate my parents for the way they are with my younger sister, Mary Ann. They aren't strict with her. They don't punish her. They just let her be.

I told her to never drive my car without my permission. The stupid bitch takes it anyways. I tell my mom. My mom does nothing. I want to hit my sister, but my mom will consider it abuse. It's a bunch of bullshit to me. Anytime I hit my sisters (I definitely have my reasons), my mom and sisters consider it abuse. I don't believe in that "never hit a girl" bullshit. It all depends on the situation. There are limits to how much force to use since I'm stronger than her, but otherwise...I'll bop her to teach her a lesson. I haven't hit any of my sisters in over 6 years. I've grown more mature and I'm more tolerant to stupidity, but I can snap.

My parents aren't doing shit. My sister always obtains another key to my car. I hate that shit. She never puts gas in it. She drives it everywhere. She lets other people ride in it. She never cleans it. She never checks the engine. She just drives. Drives.

She took my car today. I asked her why she took my car. She said, "move!" (I was standing in her way). "Why did you take my car?!" "Move!" I just called her a stupid whore. Then my mom took her defense. WTF?! My sister is very arrogant. She's like one of those kids that thinks she can do what she wants cause she doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of her friends type. She's the "I'll do whatever I want, because you don't own me" type. Very arrogant. No morals. A rebellious, dumb as shit, little bitch. She's the "I'm gonna look like I'm from NY, because it impresses the thug boys" and shit..type girl. She's a goddamn poser with no known goals in life. Believe me, I've asked her so many times. She says she doesn't know. She's the..."I'm gonna wear tight brand name clothes to show off my body (she's very overweight..*pukes*), pose for webcam pics with bandanas and hats on (she never wears these things in public), find me a 'boo', and have me 10 kids. Then I'm gonna live in a trailer or apartment for the rest of my life and work at chicken killing factory.

She spends 98% of her time looking for boys..(thuggish filipino boys) on the internet. She's pretty much desperate to get laid. I don't like her.

There's a short hate rant of Mary Ann. Disrespectful, ignorant little bitch. I don't like my mom for being protective of her when I insult her. When either of my sisters insult me...my mom doesn't do shit! Fuck...end~

A message for the nobody.

Shoot me.
Kiss me.
Kill me.
Thrill me.
Empty tonight.
Drifting along.
Stormy night.
Stormy night.
Through my heart.
Shot once more.
Falling down.
Falling fast.
Hurt me.
Hurt me.
Bury me.

What do I do?
Can nobody understand me?
Does anyone hear me?
I'm screaming within.
I'm screaming out loud.
Deafened noise.
Deafened voice.
Silent messages.
Silent words.
Screaming out loud.
Screaming nothingness.

You say I hurt.
You hurt me more.
You ignore me more.
I become more arrogant.
You say I'm bad.
I say you're judgemental.
You say I'm disrespectful.
I say you're not understanding.

Too quick for time.
Too quick for thoughts.
Too quick.
Too quick.
Blabber spills out.
Wrong words before.
Wrong words right now.
I don't know.
I'll never know.
You won't know.
Because you just don't care.
Gomen.
Gomen.
Tonight's the last.
No more.
No more.
Close the door.
Nothing I say.
Nothing I do.
Will never.
Ever.
Please you.
You.
You.
You.
Fin~

Cars:

My Car:

My Project:

My..err..Weapons of Destruction *cough*:

Fin~

I need to cut off my online communication. I suppose I don't really like talking to people. I need time away for myself...and only myself. I'm too sensitive. Silence can speak a thousand words. Why am I still awake? I'm dead tired. It's too early to sleep. What can I do? Can I turn on the damn A/C? It's freaking hot in here.
I'm just sitting. Pondering what I really want in my life. I suppose I get in over my head sometimes with my ideas. Will I ever be able to have my own band...and play great music? I'm still lonely. Help me. Emotional nutcase. I hate my weblog. Just a recording of my misery. I'm going to block everyone for right now. Neglect is not fun. Oyasumi~..fuck..

Instead of Red Star..I might end up naming my band (if it ever comes to existence) the Frapped Militia. I have no idea why I thought of the name. Random ideas can pop in my head when I'm bored washing pots and pans at work.

There are so many things that I feel like saying, but I'll never say it. It's either too late or quite irrelevent. *shrugs* Now, that was pointless to say.
I starting to regret getting Benny. He's hard to train and he's quite hyper. I actually liked it better with no more dog around the house..although I miss Angel soooo much. She was peaceful..yet playful. And she was small. Benny will grow damn big..like a fluffy German shepherd since he's mixed with chow. Oh yeah..sickness. He ate a nugget of his own poop. SICK! ~_~
He's difficult to get house broken..especially since I'm not with him most of the day. I have to leave him in the care of my mom and sister. They do a pretty bang up job of housebreaking him. I don't know. I feel like talking to Ookami right now. Too bad she won't be online for a few days. I should start talking to Rowen again. I haven't talked to her in a good while. I'm done. Fin~

I decided to add doggy pictures. I named my new Chow/German Shepherd doggy Benny. Here are pictures.

Benny:

Angel: ~RIP

My two sisters w/ Angel (darker dog) and her older sister, Brandy. Brandy now lives w/ my older sister.

I went with my mom to the SPCA today and adopted a 7 week old chow/german shepherd mix. He's a cute, brown, fluffy doggy. Hard as hell to train though. He's peed on the fireplace brick area, the kitchen floor, and the living room floor. He's also pooped on the living room floor...and stepped in it. And he's been given 2 baths. All that...today. Got him about 5:40pm.
He doesn't listen much when you call him. I suppose he'll be quite a handful. Maybe I can learn something from him. Oh yeah, btw...he was born the same day that my Angel died. ~RIP *shrugs*
I still haven't named him yet. My dad keeps calling him 'chow-mein', but I don't like that name. I'm thinking Merlin, Ernie, or Chester. Anybody wanna help me choose?

Today, at work these two health inspectors came in to check on how we were running things. Two..beautiful health inspectors. Those two girls were really cute..one taller than me, one my height. Both of them glanced at me and I couldn't help but be shocked. One was like..half-Asian and one was like..hispanic looking. The shorter, hispanic girl smiled at me. Nice..^_^

Oh yeah, I decided that if I have my own band I think I'm gonna name it Red Star. Weird name, and it might sound weird to me later on, but right now..sounds pretty cool.
I so have not updated in a while. I'm thinking of getting a new doggy, maybe cocker spaniel that I saw in the newspaper for 0. I've got like...0+ in my bank account, but I was planning to put that into my car. Crap. I'd like another buddy running around the house and sleeping on my bed. I so miss Angel. RIP little girl. Fin~ Oyasumi.

I'm full on carrots. work is annoying. it's an easy job...but it takes a long time out of the day. Eight full hours missing from the day...is too long. Multiply that times 5...and that makes for a sucky week. I still have yet to see a paycheck. I do get paid next Wednesday though.
There are 7 cats that wander into my yard nearly every day. I feed them stuff from work. I've been eating loads of carrots and salad and stuffs. I dropped um...4 pounds..in 2 days. Yay...I can't eat anymore..carrots...falling over....ugh..carrots..fin.

I can't believe my mom told my grandmother to throw Angel's collar away. Anyway, I retrieved it from the garbage and hung it on my bed post. It still smells of her bloody, dead body, but I can't let it go. I miss her so much. It seems that I'm the only one who really misses her. Everyone has continued as if nothing happened and continues the laughs and such...except me. It'll be a while before I can truly let go.
Gotta get ready for work~

It was very difficult for me to return you home girl. Picking up your lifeless, eviscerated, mutilated body from the highway median...I wished to turn back time. No longer can I cuddle you. No longer can I pet you. No longer can I run around stupid with you. No longer will you stain the carpet. No more french fries when mom comes home from McDonald's. No more seeing you hump people's legs..even though you were a girl. No more lying at my feet while I'm on the computer. You were the main reason for my resisting suicide. T_T
As I buried your body, tears ran down my face. Why now? I expected to have you for at least a few more years. Everything is crazy. Why? I love you Angel. I love you forever. I hope you had a happy life. Goodbye my friend. Goodbye my Angel~ U';'U

You shouldn't have run out the door like that. Highways can be deadly for littles ones like you. Oddly enough, I'm not crying. I know you're somewhere better. Thanks for being there when I needed you girl. I'm gonna miss you. I'll even miss cleaning up your carpet stains. Too bad I didn't take any pictures of your ugly face. Goodbye butthead. R.I.P. Angel~

I just saw a CarMax commercial with a white woman who looks exactly like Koyuki..the Japanese actress in Laundry and The Last Samurai. A white Koyuki in a CarMax commercial. Weird. Fin~

For the past 2 days, I've been trying to get somebody to buy me beer. Yes..beer. But not for me to drink. Beer tastes gross. I'm trying to make my yard look nice by trying a 'lawn tonic' recipe I found on the net. I'm even willing to give the money to them to buy the beer, but nooo.. My family isn't saying no to buying the beer...they're just finding excuses to why they can't go to the store. *falls over*

I'm just not making enough money to suit my living, wants, and needs. I'm not happy. I'm not surrounded by people who provide me with emotional support. They don't support my dreams. I'm basically expected to stay alive..and not create any problems. Sit there and shut up. Any help I give is not appreciated. Any help I need is not always given. Basically..."don't help me, I won't help you, sit there, don't do anything to caus problems, and that's it." They're the ones bothering me though...wanting to borrow my money because they made horrible decisions with their money. That messes up my goals for my money...and I'm back to square one. I need to leave.

Bills are a bitch. My parents are annoying. I'm sad, mad, and confused.

What do I do? I've got car insurance due on Monday, I've got a doctor's bill that's too damn expensive, and I've got a slow ass computer that's pissing me off. Oh yeah...my parents suck too.
The car insurance bit pisses me off. I'm supposed to pay 0 by Monday. I said I'm willing to pay only and my mom got mad at me. I don't see why I should pay more...I hardly drive the damn car. The car is registered under my name but my mom drives it more than I do. Even my little sister drives it. It seems that the only reason why they let me have the car registered under my name was so that I'd be responsible for the payment. That's really fucked up. Also, if I didn't have the car registered under my name...I wouldn't be insured at all. That's even more fucked up. Either I pay for the car insurance or I just don't drive at all. Fuck!

What also pisses me off is the doctor's bill I got. I had to go to the urologist 2 weeks ago for a medical problem...and I was there for only about 2 hours. They took a urine specimen which costs ..wtf?! And the fee for being a new patient...just putting my info in their computer system...3! Damn!!!

My dad's bitching me about not taking the massage therapy exam yet. I can't blame him, for both my sister and I to go to massage school..it costs ,000. But I'll take the test when I feel up to it.
I still find massage therapy interesting, but I don't know where the hell I'm gonna work. I'd like to work at a place near the beach, but I don't have the money to move...nor am I ready to move. I'm more focused on earning money and buying creature comforts right now, and I really don't have a "passion" for massage therapy. I just find massage therapy as a job and not a career. Even if I could get paid upwards of /hour, I'd rather take a job as a mechanic who gets paid /hour. I'd rather work on a car than give massages...especially when it comes to massaging a guy...a hairy guy. *shudders*

I'm working to spend my money on a digital camera, a new computer and monitor, and a replacement motor for the car I'm trying to work on. The bills are preventing my progress. I've got about 0 saved up...from the past 2 months. If pay off the bills I'm supposed to pay...there goes one month of work. I'm looking for a higher paying job, but my manager decided to try me working a different position in the restaurant. Hopefully it'll work out. I can't continue at a rate of 0/month. Just too much crap to deal with right now.

Anybody have tips to stay motivated? I keep telling myself to never lose sight of my dreams/visions/goals, but still end up losing them. I'll sometimes spontaneously be motivated to do something for myself or take on a big project of some sort, but sometimes I'm not capable of the task at that time whether due to money or confidence issues.

I try to keep myself motivated to do something, but problems always come up. I guess all the problems encountered through working towards a goal will make success sweeter, right? Any kind of goal dealing with bettering myself tends to disappear. I'm not motivated to help myself as much as if I were to help another person.

Til my goals are achieved, I'll keep trying to find motivators over and over. Rise and fall...and rise again.
Deprivation is the key to appreciation...I suppose. I don't know why I just typed that. End.

Maybe this will be the first time I've given up on a friend, but I've decided to stop talking to Rei.
She's just too pathetic to deal with. I never thought I'd give up on someone, but talking to her brings me down. I'm trying to help her with inspiration and ambition and such, because she once said she'd like to go back to school to get her GED and then become a photographer, but she doesn't even seem to care about her future anymore. She's very random, doesn't answer questions correctly, and all the while...I worry about her. I've known her for about a year. She doesn't seem to have a good home life, from what I hear. I don't want her to be unhappy. Am I too caring? I feel I care as any other good friend would care for a friend.
Anyway, I've tried for the past month to help her. Maybe she doesn't want my help? *shrugs* I just don't want her to have a shitty future. And she told me that it doesn't matter, because she'll just kill herself. WTF?!

Anyway, too much for me to handle I guess. I deleted all her contact information from my messengers. She can still contact me, but I'm not going to voluntarily talk to her anymore. She doesn't seem to want help, nor does she care about her future. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. A nice, silly, and pretty girl...but I just can't be her friend anymore. She doesn't IM me. I always IM her first. We have nothing to talk about anyway. Just one-sided caring. I don't know what to think right now. Too difficult for now. *sigh*
Fin~

I'm full. I'm bored. Randomness.

my mind; cluttered
no focus before me
thinking too much
yet not enough
i'm running from my insanity
but i end up lost again
nowhere for me to turn
too many doors shut
no reason to fight
i find my self running in circles again
[repeat]

no single thought
unorganized mess
finding a way out of this jungle
turn around
obstacles galore
wanting more, wanting less
truth no more
a fading vision
settle down
disappointed again
run around
slumber
smile again
[repeat]

lose myself
forget the past
forget the future
nothing matters again
turn around
sabotage
disappointment
get up, stand up
renewed again
fix my thoughts
on track again
hope returns
smile
frown
[repeat]
[shuffle]

fin~

I'm pretty bored right now. Yes, it's late. I know. I decided to check out the lyrics of some songs I listen to. I listened to and read the lyrics of a song called "The Glass Prison" by a progressive rock band called Dream Theater. The lyrics are pretty cool and very interesting, so I felt I should post here.
---------------------------------------------------
Dream Theater - The Glass Prison
I. REFLECTION

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invincible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go

I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn

Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat

Fatal descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round

Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession

Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins

So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins

Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again

Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end

II. RESTORATION

Run - fast from the wreckage of the past
A shattered glass prison wall behind me
Fight - past walking through the ashes
A distant oasis before me

Cry - desperate crawling on my knees
Begging God to please stop the insanity
Help me - I'm trying to believe
Stop wallowing in my own self pity

"We've been waiting for you my friend
The writing's been on the wall
All it takes is a little faith
You know you're the same as us all"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone

Enter the door
Desperate
Fighting no more
Help me restore
To my sanity
At this temple of hope

I need to learn
Teach me how
Sorrow to burn
Help me return
To humanity
I'll be fearless and thorough
To enter this temple of hope

Believe
Transcend the pain
Living the life
Humility
Opened my eyes
This new odyssey
Of rigorous honesty

Serenity
That I never knew
Soundness of mind
Helped me to find
Courage to change
All the things that I can

"We'll help you perform this miracle
But you must set your past free
You dug the hole, but you can't bury your soul
Open your mind and you'll see"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone

III. REVELATION

Way off in the distance I saw a door
I tried to open
I tried forcing with all of my will but still
The door wouldn't open

Unable to trust in my faith
I turned and walked away
I looked around, felt a chill in the air
Took my will and turned it over

The glass prison which once held me is gone
A long lost fortress
Armed only with liberty
And the key of my willingness

Fell down on my knees and prayed
"Thy will be done"
I turned around, saw a light shining through
The door was wide open
---------------------------------------------------
Um...ok. That's all. Oyasumi~

i'm so ready to quit my job. sadly..i still work for the money. i will quit that shithole by the end of this month. so, anyway...onto why i'm mad. since feb. 15th, the store has had a busser contest. it ends the 15th of this month. we get scored at the end of the night. the problem that i have is that i put more effort into my work than every other busser in there..and i'm not in the lead! i'm actually in 4th place O_O wtf?! >_<
the scoring isn't even fair because the manager scoring us for the night doesn't even pay that much attention to the shit we do!
take yesterday...Shaun (my busser coworker) clocked in...and ate a fucking popsicle for the first 5 minutes he came in. (someone was passing out popsicles) while he was doing that shit...i bussed 3 tables by myself. guess what...we both got the same score at the end of the night. and..Shaun is in the lead! wtf?!

now take today, i had the opening shift. i did all my tasks. two hours later, Greg (the score manager for tonight) came up to me and said that Scott (head manager) wanted me to make sure that i dig into the plant beds outside the restaurant and get rid of the cigarette butts there. Greg told me this right at the same time Shericka (the next busser on shift) went on the clock. i said, "ok" (agreeing that i'll clean up the butts), and Greg said.."that's ok. Shericka is getting it now." when the fuck am i supposed to get this kind of information?! 3 more days till the contest ends and i get this shit now?! i got 10 points taken off my score because Shericka "had" to do my job. what the fucking hell?! a full 10 points means that task wasn't completed at all for today. Greg didn't take off 1 or 2 points off my score. 10 fucking points off!!! that's just like saying that i didn't even go outside at all to clean anything up. i swept the parking lot, and got some stuff out from the plant beds. i just didn't know they wanted me to go into so much detail. Shericka got a 100 and i got a 90. "you got a 90 because Shericka had to do your job." son of a bitch! >_<

the past 2 nights, i opened and got a 99 and a 100. how did i get a 90 all of a sudden? shit!
what pisses me off more is that before the contest..i was the only busser who was actually digging into those damn plant beds for cigarette butts at all. i didn't pay that much attention to detail, but i was the only one doing it. motherfucker!!! why couldn't he have said something like, "just don't let it happen again."? i didn't know about that shit. nobody else before did that shit, but me!!! it seems that they just threw that extra bit of detail in at the last minute of this contest.
this is a "you should've done what you were expected to do, and even though you didn't know exactly what you were supposed to, the fact is you didn't do what you were expected to do you'll get punished for your ignorance anyway."

oh yeah..here are the prizes: 1st place:0 wal-mart gift card, 2nd place: Outback gift card, 3rd place: Outback gift card. i feel that i definitely deserve first place...especially since i do more than twice the shit that the other bussers do.
as i left work tonight..i saw Greg walking in the parking lot. i swear i was about to run that bitch over.
overall, i feel that the contest is completely unfair, because like any science project..in order to test something, all other variables, other than the one variable that is being tested, must stay the same. in this contest...the fucked up variable that should've stayed the same was the score manager; having the same score manager each and every night of the contest. if one manager is more lenient than another manager...guess who'll win if you work more days with a lenient manager (or a manager that likes you) and i work more days with a stricter manager (or a manager that doesn't like me)? you win! fuck! >_<

3 more days left in the contest...and i'm guaranteed to lose. i can't increase my chances of winning anymore, because i'm already tired. i'll work my 4th day in a row tomorrow. working in a restaurant is not walk in the park; especially bussing tables...on very busy days. that shit will wipe you out. i don't wanna work a 5th day. i can't handle a 5th day. not even getting scored a 100 tomorrow will let me win 1st place, because i'm too far from first. this sucks...i'm glad i'll be quitting. been working there for 1 3/4 years and i've never gotten a pay raise. -.-

i guess..in the end, it's better off for people not to know me. i tend to creep people out...by trying to get to know my friends. like...i ask them simple things like:..what kind of cars do you have? is your house big? what's your last name?

people seem to think that i'm trying to stalk them or some stupid shit. O.o wtf?!! everything i ask is out of pure curiousity. like..if you're not asking anything, or talking...i'll ask a question about you. i like getting to know my friends. sorry if you take it the wrong way. i've already lost one friend due to my asking questions like these...the friend who helped create this weblog *points to the name under the "[Layout]"*. x_x

is there anyone out there who's right for me? am i just used? do people just wanna use me to fill up their time of boredom? gah! >_< what is my friendship worth?
i'm taken for granted. feelings like this always make me feel hopeless and suicidal. like..it's not going to get better. things truly have not gotten better for nearly 5 years. i just tend to be hyper and self-entertaining enough that i don't think about suicide as much anymore. but my family, financial, and social situation has not changed. my feelings and emotions are still the same. it's like a stagnant plague..eating away at me until i just snap. who knows? one day, i might turn into a madman and go run amuck in my town. i hope i don't wake up anymore. i'm too damn tired of this drama. end my pain. fin~

i guess i'm losing rei. she doesn't interested in talking to me really. how odd...i'm probably one of the few people that care so much about her..and would be there for her through thick and thin...yet she takes me for granted. am i a bad friend? she tends to ignore me..>.< crap...

i think i broke my foot -_-;;. i kicked my (bamboo) couch like uber hard and fast. my foot went numb...and then i got warm feeling over my foot...then a sharp pain. i can't walk on it. i told my mom i needed an x-ray, but i no longer have health insurance so my mom doesn't wanna take me. my mom just put medicine on my foot and wrapped it with a piece of an old shirt...like that's really gonna make it heal better. i'm not sure if my foot is broken...my 5th tarsal feels broken. *sigh* i'm gonna be missing work for a while.
anybody else wanna be my friend? i need and want more. or i just need more talking to..

hm..dating-line commercials are funny. girls act skanky in them and guys act pimp lol. its crazy. skanks and pimps seem to have no moral values. >.O *shrugs* k...i'm done. ja~

sometimes i just get totally lost. a yearning, a wanting i just know will never come. i'm left to wonder why it hasn't come.
you know the love you should get from your family? a strong, supportive love that makes you feel you have some sort of safety net to fall back on? i've never had that. i feel i'm truly alone in the world...left to wallow in my doubts and fears. am i too much of a hassle?
why can't i keep friends long? do people dislike talking to me? why? i feel that rei hate's me now. i have no idea why. she seemed out of it last night. just trying to talk to her made me feel like a child tugging away at mommy's shirt or something. take this scenario:
(mom is having a conversation with another adult)
child: mommy..(tugs at shirt)
child: mommy..
mom: hold on
child: i hafta go to...
mom: hush dear. mommy's talking..
child: i hafta pee
mom: uh huh (still continue's conversation)
child: mommy!
mom: (angry) what?!
child: (sighs) nothing...
(child lets go...and wets her clothes)

i felt like that child when trying to talk to rei last night. wasn't fun...*shrugs* i hope she's ok though.
i feel disconnected from everyone again. nobody IMs me or anything. it's like i hafta IM them first if i wanna talk to them. i guess nobody wants to talk to me? *sigh* i wanna wake up from this dream... it's not fun. ja~

i feel like complete shit right now. i don't have enough money to pay my car insurance. i'm about 0 short. insurance was due last thursday...so currently...i'm pretty much an uninsured motorist. -__- gotta do my best to keep the cops at bay until i have enough money. maybe i'll borrow some money from my sis.
*sigh* anyway, happy valentine's day to everyone who had a valentine. maybe i'll have one next year *shrugs*
i really need to get moving on with my life. i already have an idea for a career..and already went to school for it, but i guess what i'm waiting for is to build a "safety net". i want someone to catch me when i fall. to hold me when i'm down. someone to have fun with. maybe i'm looking for a girlfriend, but more importantly...i think i need a best friend. i don't want to charge into the "real world" feeling totally vulnerable. i've barely reached a comfort level with where i'm at now. how will i be comfortable when i get too busy with my career...and nobody to be with? i don't think i'll have time to make friends. that's why i want to build great friendships...or even just one great friendship before i decide to proceed. right now, i'm not ready to continue. i'll just procrastinate. even if i could make around 00 a month...i'm..just..not..ready. not now. happy valentine's day. oyasumi~

i had a really weird dream last night. something about me meeting up with some guy for some reason. i think was supposed to be joining a club or something. then something about a dark room and there's a baby in there all covered with hair. ~hairy baby~ >.O i mistook it for a dog and the dude told me not to call it a dog or i'll hurt its feelings or something.
we were in some house that was like a gigantic maze or something. (if you went out one door...you'd go out the way you came in. if you went out another door...you'd be in a different town or something.) i think some rip van winkle effect occurred...like 20 years passed seemingly quickly..and all while we were awake.
then we go to some wooden shed thing where the guy tries to move the floor, but he ends up breaking a piece of the wall. through the wall...we see cars pull up. people are chasing him. they get out their cars. the dude runs and i stay back in the shed. i turn around and see the hairy baby who has now grown up into a beautiful mexican girl, with a green dress and still a bit of hair on her face, (weird i know ^^;;) but she doesn't talk. (she's like uh...a bit less hairy than a werewolf but a tad more than a normal human. anyway, i'm staring her in the face and she's like uber kawaii ^_^!!! anyway...inside the shed thingy some lady holding a sword was talking with her. the floor opened up and there were gold swords galore O____O;; a bunch of beautiful swords. i grabbed a sword and started fighting the lady. the sword was like...long, double-edge, narrow~, and without a hand-guard thing where the handle and blade meet. i then woke up to the sound of the doorbell and my dog barking. >_<; such a cool dream! anyway..i ended up waking up at 1:46pm ^_^ i have such horrible sleep patterns.

i don't understand the shit going down in Iraq. yes, i'm an American. i was born in the US. but i hate our government. what's up with this invading Iraq shit? it seems that we've all forgotten compassion. all these joining the military type videos are starting to disgust me for some reason. in the news media, we seem to only get the viewpoints of the American troops and allied forces. have you considered the viewpoint of these "insurgents" and whatnots? here is a video from the Iraqi resistance.

in my opinion, it seems that we've forgotten that we're all humans. we are emotional beings. all i hear is "kill the bad guys"...wtf?! why always kill? isn't 'bad guy' just a point of view? i think we've gone in way over our heads with this Iraq shit. too much damn money wasted. too many lives destroyed. i dislike Bush and his administration. i don't know if he thoroughly thought about this Iraq thing.
umm...are we still searching for Osama? 9-11 occurred. Osama claimed fault for it. why haven't we heard anything about Osama in a while...other than him releasing a new video? i hate it when Bush says some gay shit like "we are winning" or "bring it on" or whatever. we should put Bush in an army uniform and send his ass on the front lines. if you've seen enough pictures and videos of the horror of war as i...you'd feel the same. war is unnecessary. this war was and still is unnecessary.

when the war first started, i thought Bush had something going. get rid of a tyrant like Saddam Hussein and his followers, and help re-establish a new government. Saddam had the capability to produce 'weapons of mass destruction' and there was a likelyhood that he had them secretly stashed somewhere. why didn't we give the UN inspectors more time? now, too many innocent people have died for a stupid war. where are these "WMDs"? we should have focused on Osama while keeping our eye on Saddam. we should have let the UN handle this shit. check it out...North Korea has/had nuclear weapons and were definitely a threat. hm...we sure as hell didn't invade them. why? *shakes head* crazy world.
our plan went from invading Iraq to remove Saddam and get rid of the WMDs...to occupying Iraq for a long ass time to seek democracy for the nation. um...too many people are dying while we're waiting for this democracy. why did it take 2 years for an election to occur? and yes...we still need to find Osama. i enjoy the freedom i have, i take no sides. i am just an observer and absorber. anyway...here's a link to an unedited transcript of one of Osama's messages.

seems to strike true with me. oyasumi~

just a little thing i took from rowen-chan's xanga. it's late. i just dled and watched Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. awesome movie. absolutely love it. anyway...oyasumi~

You Are Banana Pocky

Your attitude: fun and lighthearted Unique and unforgettable You are cutie everyone falls for

i'm so damn happy right now. the girl that the letter was meant for rejected me, but i'm so happy about it. she told me that she's pretty much a skank. she sleeps around and does all sorts of shit. now that's one busy 17-year-old lol. i still figure that i could've given her what she was looking for. maybe she made up a lot of shit to make me uninterested. oh well.
anyway, other than work today...and regretting the letter as i worked...nothing much else happened. i gotta go to the stupid courthouse again. i got a letter saying that i failed to appear in court or pay the fine. i failed to appear in court? the day i got my ticket suspended by the judge who scared the shit out of me? that's crazy. well, anyway i gotta get that shit straightened out. i don't have .50 to fork out. uh...i think that's the end. it's too damn cold. ~oyasumi

am i stupid or what? well, i guess love will make you do stupid things. i've fallen for one of my coworkers. actually, i fell for her over a year ago. but i've never had the courage to talk to her to anything. and she looks lonely lots of times. *blink*
anyway, i know where she lives. i drove up to her neighborhood, parked my car 100 feet from her house. walked to her mailbox, and put a confession letter in there. wtf?!!! i'm seriously regretting it now. but i'm afraid to go back there. it's a letter confessing my love for her. i feel totally stupid. too much was said in that letter. what if her parents read it? holy shit! O_O omg! i don't think i can go back to work anymore. i won't see her until next week, but damn! i think...if she does show up...i'm going to run and hide. i'm a sensitive, love-struck fool. i've never asked a girl out before. i've never had a deep conversation with a girl i've actually met face-to-face, so this shit is really scary.
i did feel that it was now or never..to do what i had done. i think about her all the time. i think about what she might be doing. think about where she's at. think about how she feels. think about what i'm going to say to her. i...however...am fucking scared of girls! damn it! i'm 19-years-old!!! i've never had a girlfriend. i'm still a damn virgin. i've never been kissed nor have i even held a girl's hand before. jeeesus! i just want to forget this night.
i fear for my life. i have little self confidence. i'm too damn quiet. i'm weird as hell. what would she wanna do with a weirdo like me? she'd probably even get scared to shit that i know her address. aaaaahhhhh!!! *breathes* *falls over* *crumbles* *burns* eh..fuck it. whatever. love makes you do stupid things. ~oyasumi

it's so damn late. what am i contemplating? why do i feel empty? i fight my own thoughts. i have conflicts with myself. i have little social interaction. hell yes...i can entertain myself with my own stupidity. but how long can that continue?
why can't i speak? why can't i show emotions easily? why do i feel blank? am i a void...something that needs to be filled? where's the love? no friends. little social interaction. i don't have the "moves" or a "game"..with the girls. i don't have a good relationship with my family. i'm like a solitude-filled rag doll. discarded until needed again.
i'm a workhorse. i get shit done. that, however, leaves me speechless. i don't have time to talk. the other bussers yak all the time away while i bust my ass. i wish i had stuff to talk about. i get jealous very easily when i see them having fun. i want to feel that. i want that feeling. what am i saying..really? too many words and hidden emotions..flooding my mind. words can't describe. it'll take me years to put onto paper how i feel. to get someone to understand my pain. does anybody want me? *shrugs* i can't answer that question.

i conflict with myself. i battle my emotions. my thoughts clash. insomnia many nights. wake up hellacious. i'm running out. take me by the hand...take me somewhere. fade to black. i'm rambling. ~oyasumi

last year was horrible. i wonder what this year will bring me.
i lost touch with many friends. one of my friends refused to ever be my friend again...cause she's paranoid (shakes head in disappointment). emotions got strong. almost committed suicide numerous times. finished massage therapy school. got my first speeding ticket. got my second traffic ticket. drank my first wine cooler. painted my room green. cleaned out my room and closet. and..some other stuff. oh yeah..i also met a lot of cool people. and i became a lot less shy..accidentally (thanks to the help of caffeine and sugar).

i'm glad 2004 is over with. i don't want to go through that kind of hell anymore. too much crap for me to take in at once. *falls over* anyway...everyone...have a great year. oyasumi~

i'm beginning to hate cops. they're fuckin annoying. i got my first speeding ticket on December 4...worth .50 X_X i might fight it in court.
now...i have my second goddamn ticket. for no license! shit! i just got home from shopping at wal-mart, sat on the computer for maybe 2 minutes and left the house. there was a police checkpoint up ahead on one road i was on. little did i know i forgot my damn wallet on the computer desk! shit! after i was ticketed and released....the cops left. X_X fucking hell! god damn it! now i've gotta pay 0!!! holy shit!!! X__X
i'm trying to keep a good spirit about it..not let it bother me. but damn! it takes me like 7 days of work..just to earn that much money! shit!!! >_< ~end here~

it's 3:17am..i'm still awake. i'm very bored, and very sleepy. anyway..here's a survey i stole from rowen-chan's xanga.

1. Sometimes when you're laying down, do you feel like you're floating? wtf?..nope
2. Do you feel there is an overuse of antibiotics? for who?
3. Do you prefer alfredo or marinara sauce on your pasta? uh..i don't know the tastes of each enough to have a preference
4. Does your mental state really affect your health/lifespan? i guess
5. If you found out a family member was gay, would that change your views on homosexual relationships? nope
6. Do you go to the library often? nope
7. When you want to stop chatting with someone on instant messenger, do you make up an excuse as to why you have to sign off? nope. i just minimize my responses and usually not ask them questions.
8. Have you ever visited your doctor after seeing a commercial on television about a new drug? no
9. Do you think the Bible is a sexist text? uh..i never read it
10. If you had a perfect relationship and your signifcant other did not want to get married, would you happily live with them for the rest of your life unmarried? sure
11. Do you think that taxes should be cut completely? then who'd pay for f-ed up roadways and new community buildings and such?
12. Do you prefer to exercise indoors or outdoors? either
13. Should teenagers be tried as minors or adults? uh..i guess it depends on the crime and age. if a 5-year old demonically possessed child murdered his entire family...well damn! O_O no comment.
14. Would you rather be ignored or insulted? hm..idk. i guess ignored. but i don't mind being insulted. i'm prepared to defend myself.
15. Do you think the new rock music that is being made today is targeted at teenagers, and if so, do you think that adults who listen to it are immature? a lot of new rock music sounds like poopoo. adults who listen to new rock music? uh..everyone has their own tastes in music. i don't mind.
16. Do you think dark chocolate is bitter, or just very sweet? huh? neither? it's just..chocolate?
17. Do you think there is a family in this country that is NOT dysfunctional? no
18. Do you think you would have a better chance at winning Jeopardy or Survivor? *shrugs* i don't know enough to win Jeopardy and i can't sway the decisions of the people wanting to vote me off in Survivor. but hell..i can survive that crap.
19. Is love an act of peace or courage? courage
20. Do you own a set of chopsticks? like..2 sets. idk where they're at
21. If you were given a test verbally, but were told to write down the answers, would you fail? uh..depends on the test.
22. If you were in a heated argument with someone, and later found out that you were wrong, would you apologize? eventually. depends on when i find out i was wrong.
23. Do you have any interest in reading Paris Hilton's new book? nope
24. Which is more of a chore: Taking care of your body or taking care of your car? body
25. When you think about illegal immigrants in the United States, do you only think about Mexicans? usually
26. Do you think Johnny Depp is a talented actor? in some movies
27. Do you have a china cabinet in your house? yep
28. Do you have sensitive teeth? huh?
29. Do you wear nothing but Tshirts and Jeans? i wear underwear too. a zipper incident a long time ago taught to always wear a pair. btw..why is a "pair"?
30. Have you ever seen snow in real life? yep
31. Are you a Baptist? no
32. Females: If you got divorced, would you change your last name back to your maiden name?
33. If you could, would you go to the moon? would that be with or without oxygen?
34. Have you ever been entangled in seaweed while swimming in the ocean? not swimming and not in the ocean. got entangled in some crap when i was walking in a shallow lake.
35. What makes a person worse: being a cheater or being a liar? cheater. cheating kills your dignity imho.
36. Do you go out with your parents on a regular basis? no
37. Do you feel like you're a failure? uh..i guess
38. Would you want to silence all the critical people in the world? we need critical, cocky, and stupid people in this world. you need somebody to hate lol
39. Did you know the alphabet before you went to school? yeah
40. Would you rather use napkins or paper towels? what kind of napkins? linen or paper?
41. Do you tell people to shut up if they interrupt you? depends
42. Do you bite your fingernails? eww..my older sister does. her fingers look like she gnaws on them. i've got better looking hands than her lol^^

1. If your life was a little glass ball, who would you trust enough to give it to? uh...i'd probably throw the ball in the ocean and let it sink. nothing should bother it down there..unless a ship sinks and crushes the damn thing.
2. Do you think our futures are already planned out for us? i don't believe that crap. you make the future what you want it to be
3. Do adults really understand teenagers? who understands anyone<--yeah, what Rowen said
4. How often do you feel like you just need OUT? out? as in what?
5. What would you do if you found out somone very close to you (for example, boy/girlfriend you've been dating for years) told you they were a member of the KKK? for that many years...she didn't know i was Asian? well i'll be damned!
6. Does the music you listen to affect decisions you make in your every day life? sure
7. In the end, will we all be forgiven? huh? what end?
8. Do you understand why some people would want to commit suicide? yup
9. Have you ever been to a big protest? no
10. What does it take for you to assume a guy is gay? assume..his attitude and speech usually. but it's hard to tell really.
11. Truthfully, do you want to make a difference when you grow up? a difference how? i just want to be happy. and grow up? when will i technically have "grown up"? i think i'm already mature enough
12. Are we really free in America? uh...
13. Are you/have you ever been clinically depressed? no diagnosed
14. Do you have any mental disorders, etc? i don't think so
15. Is it noble of a person to actually forgive everyone, even people like Saddam Hussein? not everyone. and not Hussein...then again..he is human. he just has a fucked up perspective on life.
16. Is it fair for a president to draft soldiers to the army? no. if i have to get drafted...i'm gonna hide. don't wanna be forced into that shit
17. Are we a lost generation? hell yes
18. Is it bad to call someone retarded? depends
19. Would you consider AIDS the worst disease on earth? nope. i think stupidity is the worst.
20. Does God owe us an explaination? does he exist?
21. What the hell are we fighting for? who is "we"?
22. Is money the root of all evil? nope. selfishness is
23. Is everyone a good person at heart? uh..in think everyone has a conscience but not everyone fully thinks about what the hell they're doing..so that's a tough question
24. If a woman was raped and got pregnant, and then decided to get an abortion, would you still consider her a "baby killer"? nah..it's her body. someone just violated it.
25. Do you want to be alive when the antichrist comes, just to experience it? um..sure. that'd be interesting.
26. Are you a good person at heart? i think
27. Is it really wrong for teachers to hug their students? depends on the reason. but i don't want any of my teachers hugging me *shudders*
28. Would you mind being president? of what? of the US? hell no. i'm not cleaning up that mess
29. Do you find it weird, that you never know what your future will bring, and you might really end up as the president, or the first lady? first lady? >.> how? the future is what you make it. it's not weird, but it is interesting.
30. Are "followers" really that bad, considering you can't have a leader without them? bad how? follwers with no leader?..that's just sad
31. Have you seen Farenheit 9/11? nope
32. If you answered yes to #31, did you enjoy it?

ok...took me close to 40 minutes to answer that. now..time for shleep. oyasumi~

too many things to regret. i can't move on too far. i'm held back strong by my sadness. the life experiences i've gone through have put me in a position i don't wish to be in. i don't know how to change it, but all i can think of is to wait. wait out my "shyness" and my loneliness. i'm not a naturally shy person. but when it comes to certain people...i close down.
tonight was my job's x-mas party. there was music, drinks, snacks, billiards, video games, co-workers. needless to say, i just drank soda..and did nothing else. i felt compelled to dance..since the booming bass of the room was touching my soul. but everyone on the dance floor was just grinding..ass to crotch. O____O a girl i really like wasn't dancing at first. she was sitting alone after her friends went to the dance floor. i felt like i should ask her to dance..cause she looked lonely..and i was lonely. but something held me back. i hate it. i wish i could have taken that opportunity. but in a way..i'm afraid of her. for the most part..she's nice. but i've said "hi" to her on four different occasions...and all i got was a blank stare. maybe she feels the same as i do...but i wish i knew. i wish she'd give me a sign that she might like me. *shrugs*
during work...she seems to glance at me every now and then...and seems to be trying to get my attention. but again...she never said "hi" to me. -____- i wish i knew. i wish i wasn't so introverted when it comes to "other" people. i can act stupid with my relatives and such. but that's only because they have to live with me...or will always know me. going through my school years filled with racism..it taught me to avoid people if i don't want to get hurt. avoiding people seems to hurt me more. i don't know exactly what to do. i just wish someone friendly would come along...take my hand..and make me feel safe. i don't feel safe anywhere. when i fall..emotionally or otherwise..i need a "safe haven" i can fall back on. that haven does not exist for me...and i'm too broken to create my own. sure i have friends on the net...but there exists no...intimate..close friendship. nobody to hug me. nobody to make me feel safe and warm. i'm cold..and very very lonely.
i'm sleepy. but i can't sleep. T___T what can i do? hopefully i can muster up enough courage ask that girl out...or at least have a conversation with her. -___- *shivers* i don't know. i'll never know. i guess it'll just have to happen in a spontaneous occurence or something. oyasumi~

no one close to me shares my passion for cars. my passion for taking something so simple, and making it an adrenaline pumping machine. no body understands me...

unzipping my conscience...and letting everything spill out, is not a good thing...especially when it's spilt on someone good to you. i held everything in too long. i wanted someone to tell. i told. ...i lost. soul #1 stolen... end~

i should have tried harder, not to give up my friendship. i should have told her more about myself. most of the time, it was just about my depression...then a few bits of happiness. all the possibilities run through my head. i'm not one to give up. that's totally not me. i've already said goodbye to her, but i still feel like there's hope. i still feel like i can continue trying. sure...i was in deep pain last night. but when i awake...i feel new..well, kinda..
i should have taken that one chance she gave me to meet her...the summer of last year. with all her friends. just thinking of what i'm capable of...it's scary.
from this point in my life, i see 3 possibilities of what i can do in my life.

1. i can let thoughts defeat me till no end, give up, and commit suicide.
2. i can let thoughts eat at me, be lazy to keep my composure, and turn into a maniac killer on a rampage.
3. i can live and let die the memories i hold in my life...and use the pain i've felt...put it into music...and become a great, inspiring musician

i hope i can carry out choice 3. the other two are too disturbing for this world. i've kept myself alive for this long...got little teases of happiness that have kept me going. and i've held myself from cracking. i don't wanna become a serial killer. but the things i've gone through, i bet you so many people would have turned into one by now. i'm stronger, however. hopefully...i'll find the light, and carry on. i still have dreams to be in a wonderful rock band...playing beautiful, meaningful, inspiring music. maybe i'll one day head a record label that doesn't only hire english music. i'll spread international rock music throughout the USA. it may not appeal to the masses, but people need not be so ignorant of the joys of music from other nations. end~

no way you can understand the way i feel, if you haven't felt true loneliness yourself. you tend to hold on to everything (subconsciously), because you feel no hope that you'll be able to create more meaningful memories in your life. how could someone so far away, know so much about you? ...some of the things that person knows, the people very close to you don't even know. (it was all said and remembered.) so far away, but acts like he or she has known you forever. why? how could that person know so much? it's scary. i understand. when you're scared to make close friends nearby, you try to make close friends from far away. how unfortunate. it was fun. the end~

i'm feeling so much better now.
it's time for letting go.
such an sad fate we had to go through
but there's no turning back now..
we can't rewind the clock
such unfortunate conditions
till the end
till the end
no more to say
goodbye...my friend

it's fall. it's fall. turn over a new leaf, it's a time of change. the trees begin to shed their leaves, hoping to grow taller and stronger in the spring. i hopefully can be like them. the cold winters may hurt me, or even kill me, but braving the winter will bring me great growth, in person, in emotion. *sigh*
someday down the road...our paths may cross again, hopefully in a new light. with great joy. what can i hope for anymore?

my world is crumbling before me...and i just lie here. i'm losing...i'm losing...every where...every one. i don't know where to turn. i don't know where to go. i just want to be healed. i want happiness. it won't come....i don't know what to do...i'm losing hope fast. i hope i don't choose to end my life. a bloody mess....
the pain is toooooo much!!! how much more can i take? deprived, forgotten, neglected......i'm suffering a lonely sorrow. i'd love to put on a facade, but i'm just too tired. if i tell anyone, they'll pity me. i'll never know if they really cared or not. the feeling of being pitied will always stand. it should've been my time to go..a long time ago. why do i fight so much? why can't i just let go off my life? T____T why can't i ever just.................... *sigh* i could fall soon... goodnight~

looking back...i realize i have nothing to live for. i have no happiness. i have no soul. i lost sense of direction long ago. nobody loves me. i want to be loved. i long for love. i can't wait. why must agony continue? why can't i kill myself?!! T__T
i'd love to believe everything will be ok. i'm stupid for being jealous. i wish i was blind. that'd be the only way for me to be happy in this world. i won't see anything to be jealous about.
i spontaneously was really about to slice my wrist..but i couldn't find the damn razor T_T i don't want to suffer anymore!!! i hate this shit. my bloody tears of agony. not being accepted anywhere. neglected, ignored, where the fuck do i belong?! why am i so untouched? it's so cold...so damp! i'm living a lonely hell! T_T i long to feel the warmth of my skin with someone elses...but that never comes. a string of bad days...too many suicidal thoughts..jealousy and loneliness. i wish to die! i seriously wish to die! i don't give a damn about friends anymore. they only hurt me...they hurt me bad. i'm ready to give up. i'm ready to give up this fight. it's already been too long. i'm tired...T____T

silent screams...
my dying soul...
don't leave me alone.
how do i get your attention...
when i'm not too bright...
a dimming soul...
pulled into the darkness...
i want to breathe again...
i want to be happy...
how many days must i remain patient?
they say good things come to those who wait...
how long must i wait?
how long can i stop myself from hurting myself?
don't leave me alone...
come back!...
why do my hopes battle my sorrows?...
my pain could end right away...
but what keeps me believing?...
why haven't i killed myself yet?..

hm...maybe i don't kill myself because i truly haven't given life my best shot. i'm drowning in my own fears...yet nobody is helping to pull me out. i have to be strong...but how do i build my strength when i'm weak with fear?

i think i'll murder myself tonight.....T_T

any hint of jealousy.
any hint of neglect.
i shut off.
turn out the lights.
because i lose hope.
nobody really cares.
i experience this shit everyday.
i just hoped that i could get some attention somewhere, somehow.
sadly mistaken.

gomen~
i'm suicidal. nobody knows. nobody cares. *boom!* all gone ^___^
that's all i need to do...to end my pain...to end this neglect...to end my loneliness. i'll be dead...no worries. T_T

My shallow sadness creeping back up on me. Nobody would ever get close to me. I'm so sad and lonely. Jealousy fills my heart. I want somebody. A friend...someone who loves me and cares about me. Doesn't seem like there's anyone that exists like that. Even with all my online "friends". None of them will ever know me for me. Everyone is far. No intimacy. No "hanging out". Nobody to hold my hand. Nobody to hug me. I'm cold. I'm very cold. Spineless. I fall. Shedding tears...running with hopes. Mindless idiot with one goal in mind...love. Darkness..death..breathing down my neck. I'm bound to commit suicide within a year. There's nothing for me here. My facade will hide everything...I'll just be dead in my room one day. Nobody will know why... Nobody knows this journal exists. Lost memoirs of a failing..falling..human being. I want attention. I crave attention. But I do nothing to attract it. >.> Hold me..love me..kiss me..death....